The Standoff!

     As you know, I had my head shaved about a week ago to avoid looking like a wet shaggy dog as my hair fell out! The short stubbles that were left are coming out fast and furiously these last 2 days. I look like an old man...balding on the top and sides of my head, just like an old man gets bald! My apologies to any old, bald men who may be reading this!!!

 

     Last week, after I had my head shaved, I decided I would have a standoff with God. Since the hair on my head is falling out quickly, I figured the hair on my legs should fall out at the same time and same rate. I decided I would NOT shave my legs because the hair on my legs DARN WELL BETTER FALL OUT TOO!!!!!!! That just made sense to me!

 

     I waited. And waited. And waited some more!

 

Wednesday, Thursday, Friday...no hair gone from my legs yet.  Surely, it will start falling out soon!

 

     By Saturday, I realized that I would have to give in and end the standoff! We had three events to go to that day and my hairy legs would NOT be acceptable.

 

Olivia's party celebrating her first birthday was at 11:30 on Saturday. By 10:00am, NONE of the hair on my legs had fallen out so I cried "Uncle" and shaved those darn legs!!! Boy, did I hate to back down but I had no choice! Olivia may not have minded, but the people at the wedding and the graduation we went to after her party may not have appreciated "the hairy look"!!!!

 

SO I had no choice but to cave, shave, and end the standoff! AARGH!

 

      The Golden Thread here is that most likely, that was the last time I will have to shave my legs...or so I've been told. I'll keep you posted to see if that is accurate!!!

     I have been feeling really good for the last 5 or 6 days. I am almost back to normal (my chemo normal, that is!), minus my hair, a few left over mouth/throat sores, and a little less stamina than normal.

 

     I'm so relieved and very glad I am going into my next chemo treatment tomorrow feeling so good. I would have liked to be rid of all my mouth sores but that wasn't to be. Luckily, they don't really bother my eating since my appetite is back. 

 

     Tomorrow morning, I will walk into the RMCC to get my pre-chemo meds, the Herceptin, the two chemo drugs, Taxotere and Carboplatin, then IV fluids to flush my port and to get a little extra fluid into me before the chemo effects hit.

 

 On Wednesday, I will get the nasty Neulasta shot which will put me into bed or at least on the couch for Friday and Saturday for sure, maybe longer. 

 

My Golden Thread is that I feel so good going into treatment # 2. I am blessed for that!

 

     My prayers for the next 7 days are that I may avoid the horrible, rare side effect I experienced the first time I had chemo. I am currently taking a medication that the doctor said "MAY" help. That word, "MAY" scares me a bit. I'd prefer "WILL" but I guess I will take what comes my way. I really, really do not want to have to go through that horrific pain again, but time will tell.

 

The good part of chemo # 2 is that I know what to expect. Or is that the bad part???  We'll see, we'll see...

   

Hair Today, Gone Tomorrow

     Monday morning in the shower, I noticed that the drain wasn't keeping up very well. Hmmm...Liquid Plumber time I thought. Then the gut-wrenching realization hit. It wasn't Liquid Plumber time, it was your-hair-has-officially-started-falling-out time.

 

Still not quite willing to believe it, I bent over and swept my hand across the drain. I came up with a hand full of my own hair that just minutes before had been on my head! I was shocked, even though I shouldn't have been. I knew that this day was coming.

 

     Because so much hair had fallen out in the shower, I thought that after I dried my hair, it would be better. 

 

OH.  MY.  GOSH!!!  Wrong again!

 

As I ran the brush through my hair, I was SHOCKED when I looked at my brush. It was absolutely filled with hair, way more than I would have normally lost in a month!!!

 

At that point, reality is not a kind, caring, sympathetic friend. It is cold and hard and shocking. It took a while to process and accept this new development.

 

     All day Monday and into the evening, hair kept falling out. It fell on my papers, on my shirt, on my face, into my plate, everywhere!!! I knew what I needed to do (notice I said needed to do, not wanted!) so I called Kristi and Katie and we made a plan. Tuesday evening, we would set the plan into motion.

 

     Kristi had to teach a paramedics class from 6pm to 10pm on Tuesday evening. After she was done teaching, Kristi, Katie, Arland, and I would meet at Kristi's house at 10:30pm.

 

Why would we meet there? Because she had the clippers. Tuesday would be the evening the girls would shave my head.

 

     I knew that my hair was dead for about a week before it began to fall out. It was no longer shiny and it felt almost dirty, even right after washing it. My hair and my scalp hurt too. I also knew that it was best just to buzz it off to avoid the "wet scraggly dog bad hair day" look that I would certainly have when it began falling out!!!

 

     Because I knew we were meeting later in the evening on Tuesday, I watched the clock all day long...waiting...wondering...wishing it didn't have to be so... thinking...dreading...  

 

Ten thirty came and Kristi, Katie, Arland, and I met at Kristi's house, talking and joking around as we got set up to shave my head. Kristi and Katie arm wrestled to see who would do it...Just kidding!!! Since Katie has had more experience with the shaver, she was elected to do it. Not that it was really going to matter WHAT my head looked like after the buzz since no one will really see it AND all the hair that is left after the buzz will fall out anyway!!!

 

So, cut she did! It looked a little longer than all of us thought it should look so...buzz...she cut it again, this time using the shortest blade.  That's when I became B-A-L-D!

 

     A long time ago, there was a commercial that claimed, "Bald is beautiful." While I would NEVER, ever claim that to be true of my own head, I learned that bald "ain't so bad." It's doable. It's ok. It's just another new normal for me.

 

     As with most things in life, the anticipation is often far worse than reality. That was true of the head shaving event. I found out that you can learn to accept things that you wish wouldn't happen. You can do it without tears. You can trust your family to help you ease into this new normal. You are stronger than you think.

     I didn't think I would be able to find a Golden Thread through this experience. I did though! The Golden Thread was an unexpected finding! My Golden Thread???  The shower feels wonderful on my bald head!!!

 

Golden Threads

     I have been trying hard to stay very positive about this whole venture.  Sometimes, it gets really hard...like the three days when I was sooo sick last week!

 

However, I have been able to find many "Golden Threads" throughout this journey. I haven't been writing about them yet but I have decided it is important to share the Golden Threads along with the icky news as well as the rest of the patter/chatter/clatter that I write. Sometimes the Golden Threads will be celebrated and sometimes they will just be noted.

     After a tough start to last week, the week ended well.  By Wednesday, I began to feel a bit better and for the rest of the week, Thursday through today (Sunday), I feel really good! Hurray!  That's the Golden Thread that I am going to celebrate!!!

 

     Arland, Katie, Daniel, and I spent part of Saturday at the lake. Daniel and Arland put in the water and did several other necessary "open the cabin" jobs. Katie and I spent our time inside cleaning, making beds, and putting away food. Then I sat in the chair, looked at the lake, and rested. My stamina is returning but is still not near 100% yet.

 

     Today, Arland and I spent part of the day at the lake again. We puttered (me slowly, Arland more quickly!), raked some leaves, (again, me slowly, Arland more quickly!), and did odds and ends that go with opening the cabin. We grilled turkey legs and enjoyed them. We both love, love, love being at the lake!!!

    

     The teacher in me just can't quit...so the new word for today (new for some of you but probably not for Kristi P., Joan, Arlys, DeNae, or others in the medical field!!!) is NADIR (nay-der). Nadir in cancer treatment is the lowest point in your blood count after chemo. The nadir for white blood cells is usually lowest at 7 to 10 days after treatment. My nadir was Tuesday through Friday of last week. During that time, I was told to avoid kids and crowds. That's tough to do! I did go to a retirement dinner at Paradiso for a good friend on Thursday. By then, I was feeling better and was getting cabin fever, which was helped along by ALL the cloudy days we've had!     

 

Quiz on vocab words (nadir) on Friday...  :-)

 

     Probably because of nadir, I got an infection in the small incision where the tube for my port was put it. It is a 1/2 inch incision right on my collar bone and I think my clothes rub on it.

 

Luckily, on Thursday, I had gone to see the surgeon who took out my right half of my thyroid for my surgery recheck. Since I had two stitches sticking out of the incision on my neck, he removed them. As a precaution, since the skin was open from the stitch removal, he gave me some antibiotic ointment. I used this ointment on my infected incision and it looks a bit better today.  I will have the nurses look at it tomorrow when I get my Herceptin infusion in the morning. I'm sure it will be just fine. And so continues my love/hate relationship with my port!!!

     I have had a few lingering chemo side effects that I am learning to live/deal with. The worst one is the mouth and throat sores. They are tolerable now and no longer affect my eating. Now there's a Golden Thread...I can eat again!!!  :-)

 

     Another side effect is that my sense of smell is reallllllly skewed! MANY times during the day, I smell the scent of an old, very sweaty, stinky closet! Weird, I know!!!!!! My body smells like that. Other people smell like that. Our house smells like that. Many things smell like that to me now! Yuck! I'm wondering how long that will last.  I've asked others if they can smell it, and of course, no one else can!

 

     My last side effect is one of the chemo drugs makes my nose run pretty much all the time! The bottom of my nose is red and sore, just like when you have a cold and are constantly wiping it. It's just sort of a pain to deal with but it is better than the couple of days that I had frequent nose bleeds. The nose bleeds come and go. I had one tonight but it wasn't as bad as last week's bleeds. Ah, progress!

    

     The best Golden Thread of this venture still is hearing from so many family and friends who continue to send cards, texts, emails or stop for visits. My cousin, Arlys, who lives in Dickinson, stopped to see me a few days after my retirement party and first chemo. Our house was a disaster...retirement cards, flowers, candy, etc. everywhere, but I really enjoyed her visit! She brought a beautiful planter for our front step.

 

Coop friends of ours, Margaret and Larry, were in town on Saturday. Margaret made two loaves of HOMEMADE bread, one oatmeal molasses and one cinnamon swirl. Since I lived on toast after my first chemo, I very much appreciated this gift. I put one in the freezer so I can eat it after my next chemo when nothing else tastes good nor am I hungry for anything else.

 

Barb, a friend from school, sends me cards with updates on the funny stuff that is happening at school. I end up laughing out loud as I read her letters. She always lists a couple of books that I need to read too. My "need-to-read" list is getting long so I better get started on it soon!

 

Randa, Katie's MIL (Daniel's Mom), emails me funny comics, pictures, sayings, etc. They always put a smile on my face!

 

Another friend, Heather, always comments on my posts. That makes me feel good because I know she is one busy lady but she still takes the time to cheer me on!

 

My list of wonderful things done for me by family and friends could go on and on and on. The list would include chemo care bags, a quilt, flowers, phone calls, books, hot-dishes, desserts,  soup, a "brighten your day" care package all done in bright yellow, sunshiny colors, a crocheted hat to keep my head warm at night for after my hair is gone, satin pillowcases for when my hair starts falling out, going with me on unnerving, scary  appointments (thanks Shawn) and many, many other kind and very thoughtful things. That is my greatest Golden Thread...my family and friends!

 

     Not a day goes by that I don't think about all the people who have taken the time to write, text, email, visit, bring food or gifts, etc. It means so much to me! It makes me want to be a better person. It makes me realize what wonderful friends we are blessed to have...and every day, I thank God for allowing me to be soooo lucky!

    

I Guess I'm Just Lucky...

     I went into chemo with a really great attitude. I had read all the possible side effects and fully expected to get a number of them. I was mentally ready. I could handle whatever came my way! However, I wasn't ready for what chemo gave me!

 

     I started chemo on Tuesday. The next day, I felt good enough to go to the store to get a few needed items. I shopped for a very short time and went home tired but feeling ok. That afternoon, I drove to RMCC to get the Neulasta shot which rebuilds white blood cells.

 

So far, so good... 

 

Wednesday night, things began to change.

 

     I was on the computer Wednesday evening when I reached up to touch my face. It was on fire!!! My face and ears looked like I had a BAD sunburn X 3 !!! That was the first side effect. I had been clued in about face flushing but was not prepared for what I saw in the mirror! Luckily, that only lasted for about 30 hours.

 

     Thursday, a number of side effect appeared in a fury. I felt achy but not horribly miserable (yet), had restless legs, a headache, bloody nose, nausea, diarrhea, tiredness, no appetite, food tasted funny when I did eat, strange smells, and just felt all around crummy. I just sat in our lounger or laid on the couch all day. I counted my blessings because I had not gotten the one side effect I dreaded...mouth sores.

 

     On Friday, the Neulasta hit me hard. The bone aches in my neck, back and shoulders were severe. Even thinking about moving hurt! My long bones (from wrist to elbow, knee to foot, etc.) were very achy and sore to the touch.

 

It must have been my lucky lottery day because what I dreaded most appeared...mouth sores! Not only did the sores appear in my mouth, but all the way down my throat too! (My oncologist reassured me that mouth sores were VERY unlikely when I told her about my fear of getting them! Lucky, I didn't buy a lottery ticket...Rather than giving me money, they would have come to take money AWAY!!!).

 

Now, I had all of the side effects I had prepared for plus a few more. I made it through the day lying on the couch, knowing that this was the worst day and tomorrow would be better! I did not sleep well Friday night but just thought it was from the aches and pains I was experiencing.

 

     On Saturday morning, I woke early (which is NOT typical!) and thought that I really should feel better than I did. I laid low, resting on the couch all day, trying to figure out why I was feeling so icky. My stomach had a very severe ache, like fire. The fire kept getting worse all day. Saturday night, I slept very little because my stomach was on fire and nothing helped to put the fire out.

 

     At 5:30 Sunday morning, I made my first trip to the bathroom. I had very severe diarrhea. (Sorry if this is to much info... If it is, you can stop reading here because there's more to come...PUN intended!!!) By early afternoon, I had made many more trips to the bathroom with severe diarrhea. Arland convinced me I should call the weekend emergency number they give to chemo patients. I reluctantly called and was connected to the oncologist on call. He said I need to go to the ER because it was not going to get better without intervention, so off Arland and I went to the ER.

 

     We spent the next four and a half hours in the ER. They accessed my port (MY numbing substance had only been on for 45 minutes so I was dreading that poke but it wasn't too bad) but the nurses there had a TERRIBLE time making it work. They couldn't get blood out of it so I had to have blood drawn from my arm (Ahem...isn't that one of the reasons WHY I got the port!!!???)

 

They struggled to make my port work for a long time which made that area sore since the port is not healed well yet. Finally, they were able to pump fluids into my port. I got a medication for nausea, a painkiller (by then I was writhing in pain because of the horrible fire in my stomach), and two bags of IV fluids. This wasn't how I envisioned Mother's Day to play out.

 

We got home at 9:30pm and by 10:00pm, I was in agony again. Sleep was limited. I fell asleep around midnight and woke at 1:30 because of the fire in my stomach. I just waited and prayed for morning to hurry and arrive because I knew I had an infusion of Herceptin in the morning. I hoped the nurses would take pity on me when they saw how much pain I was in. I had also emailed my oncologist in the middle of the night to update her about my horrible pain.

 

     Luckily, Anne, my oncologist's wonderful nurse read my email and called as we drove to the RMCC. She said that my oncologist was in Jamestown but that someone WOULD see me when I got to the infusion center. I could have kissed her for that news!!!

 

     I think the staff there realized how sick I was because they took one look at me and immediately took me to an infusion room with a bed. I was able to lay there and curl up until the CNP could see me.

 

The Herceptin infusion did not take precedence...my pain did. Thank goodness for the wonderful nursing staff because I was able to get some pain relief. Of course it couldn't be smooth nor easy! The ER staff left my port accessed when I left the ER (left the needle in the port so I wouldn't have to be re-stuck on Friday morning). When the infusion nurse tried to start the IV from the needle in my port, it didn't work at all! Nothing! The only solution was to take the needle out and re-poke, this time without my highly valued numbing cream. OUCH!!! That hurt! The infusion nurses access ports every day so thank goodness, this poke worked!

 

     I was seen by a CNP as was promised and was given a LOT of other meds. My simple hour and a half infusion appointment turned into a 5 hour and 45 minute appointment but I left with less pain which was a blessing after spending three plus days with such severe stomach pain.

 

     Oh yeah, I saved the best for last! I also got another diagnosis from the CNP on Monday morning.  After running some tests, she found out I also have a UTI!  What luck!!!

 

     The big question is, "What caused such long term, intense pain?" The on-call oncologist believes it was a severe and rare side effect (colitis...lucky me ...again!!!) of the Taxotere, one of the chemo drugs.

 

I am on additional meds to help keep the pain at bay and the meds work ok but I still am not anywhere near normal, nor am I ready to face another chemo infusion in a week and a half. I still have almost constant stomach discomfort but it is MUCH reduced from this weekend. That's why I had to abandon my blog for all those days. Today has been the first day that I could even begin to think about sitting up at my computer for any amount of time.

 

     The only good news about all of this is that there is one real side effect I haven't experienced! The side effect? It hasn't reduced my 0% chance of getting pregnant!!!!

Chemo Pictures

 

 

     I am finally able to be upright long enough to write tonight. This chemo stuff is tough!!! One of the oncologists believes I had a severe, although rare (lucky me...NOT!!!) side effect of Taxotere, one of the chemo drugs. I am better today but far from "normal". I thought I'd share some pictures Kristi uploaded from my first chemo treatment on Tuesday, May 6, 2014.

 

     In my brain, I had an image of what a chemo infusion center might look like. I pictured a big room with lots of loungers all circled around the edge of the room. Boy, was my idea waaay off! Some chemo infusions are done in small, private rooms.

 

   For my first infusion, Arland, Katie, and I were taken to a small room. The room had a HUGE lounger in it, along with a sink, IV pole, side table for holding my water, etc., a medicine cabinet, one chair, and a cupboard with pillows and gowns in it. Because there were three of us, they had to squeeze another chair in! Here are some pictures to show you what happened during my first infusion.

 

 

 

         I am eagerly counting down my treatments, beginning with this one...
                                                 Number 6.

 

Arland was there to offer support and to hold my hand during this first infusion.  That was very comforting because none of us had any idea what to expect!

 

Did I mention that the recliner was HUGE?!!?  BOTH Katie and I fit in it!!!!! Sarah...notice my glass of ice water!  :-)

 

Even though you can't tell, I am getting my infusion in this picture. There is an IV line that goes into my port which is under my jacket on my left side. The IV pole is off to the side. Supposedly, if you eat ice chips during infusions, (which is what I'm eating in the picture) it may help to prevent mouth sores. Unfortunately, that did NOT work for me!  :-(

 

Because I was there from 8:00am until 3:30pm, Arland went to get me some broccoli cheese soup for lunch. If you know me well, you know that I do not like spicy food, so I figured broccoli cheese soup would be a very safe bet.  Holy pepper shakers!!!   It was soooo full of black pepper that all I could eat were the few chunks of broccoli in the soup. Obviously, this picture was taken before I tasted the soup because I'm still smiling.  Had I tasted it, the pictured would have shown me gulping water!!!

 

More pictures will follow from subsequent infusions.

 

Still Ill

Hopefully tomorrow I can write to catch you up on this latest challenge.

First Date

     I had my "first date" with the bathroom floor on Wednesday night. It was not a pleasant experience. 

 

Since then, I have been very nauseated and extremely achy from the Neulasta shot. Things that shouldn't be able to hurt, do! Think teeth, hair, skin, etc. Pretty much everything hurts!

 

I am also starting to get mouth sores, one of the side reactions that I really dreaded. That's why I haven't written lately.

 

     Hopefully, tomorrow will be better and I will write then.

"Top 10 Good Things About Chemo" List

     Last night I said there'd be pictures from my chemo treatments yesterday but my master picture inserter (Kristi) has a sick little guy so pictures will be added tomorrow. Sorry!


Here is my list of the "Top 10 Good Things About Chemo".

Number 10 - Heated seats in the recliner!

Number 9 - Bathrooms are VERY close which is necessary when you get as
                  much fluid in your IV as I did!!! 

Number 8 - Yummy peanut butter toast when your stomach starts growling.

Number 7 - A sunshiny car ride home after a very gray, rainy day after chemo.

Number 6 - Great company...Arland (part time) and Katie (all day!).

Number 5 - A lazy day spent reclining while people waited on you (because I
                  was hooked up to the IV drip pole!). 
Number 4 - Warm blankets!!!

Number 3 - NICEST infusion nurse ever!!!


Number 2 - Herceptin was approved in the nick of time so that I could have
                  that much needed drug! 
And the number 1 reason... NO reactions to any of the chemo drugs during the infusion!!!!!!!!!!

All in all, I'd say it was a very good day!



UPDATE...

     Today is Wednesday...for about 15 more minutes.

 

Last night, about 10:30, I experienced my first reaction to the chemo treatments. The Taxotere causes face flushing and boy did I flush!!! Think a bad sunburn X 3!!! My face and ears were so red that I shocked myself when I looked in the mirror!!!  It was almost all gone by late this afternoon though. That side effect is quite doable!

 

     The second side effect I had was nausea last night and this morning. It wasn't horrible but I felt very queasy. After drinking lots of water and eating a piece of toast, it subsided for the most part. I do have meds for nausea so I'm learning how best to take them to manage the nausea. I think this whole venture will be a "learn by doing" process!

 

     I went back to RMCC to get my Neulasta shot this afternoon.  That is the drug that promotes white blood cells to reproduce quickly in the bone marrow. I was lucky enough to get Stacy, the same wonderful nurse I had yesterday, which I was excited about! She said I could do an arm shot or a tummy shot. I chose the arm because I'd hate for her to have to look at my ugly stomach!!!!!!! It stung for a very short time but now I can't even tell that I had a shot. 

 

     The side effects of Neulasta are bone pain that may be severe. It may start 24 hours after the shot so I should be good to go until tomorrow afternoon. Maybe the "bone pain fairy" will skip me and I'll be lucky enough to escape that side effect.  

 

     I'm afraid I'm going to have to change my ways. 

 

Last night about this time I became nauseous.  As I sit here writing now, I am again beginning to feel nauseous. I guess that means I should be in bed instead of sitting by my computer!

 

Boy, that is going to be a VERY hard behavior to change.  Darn genes!!!

Hello, Chemo!

     Today I met chemo.

 

It wasn't a chance meeting. It was a planned meeting I was dreading for quite some time. I feared chemo because I knew what it could/would do to me. I knew the meeting was inevitable. So face to face, we met today.

 

     I knew I would walk into the RMCC (Roger Maris Cancer Center) with knees shaking...but I didn't. I knew my stomach would be churning...but it wasn't. I knew that I would want to turn around and run away as fast as I could...but I didn't! I knew I would be very scared...but I wasn't.

 

     I walked in calmly without any knots in my stomach, ready to face this venture instead of wanting to run away. I walked in on the arms of love and encouragement and friendship. I carried with me all the good wishes from yesterday. I was surrounded by something I cannot explain because of the gift given to me yesterday and in days past...the gift of support. It calmed me. It reassured me. It carried me. It sustained me. I know what a difference it made today. I cannot explain it but I know how profound it was and how powerfully I felt it!

     The day started early. I awoke shortly after six, showered, and applied EMLA cream to my port. EMLA cream is a numbing cream so you can't feel the needle (more about that needle later!) go through your skin into the port. By 7:40, Arland, Katie and I were all at the RMCC, ready to begin this new venture.

 

     Then I met an angel.

 

My chemo nurse was a real live angel on earth! Her name was Stacy. Stacy was sweet, kind, professional, smart, and very caring and compassionate. She was also an excellent communicator, explaining each and every step in detail before it happened. There were to be no surprises.

 

The first half hour was spent getting situated in my room, reviewing the plan, and answering questions. Stacy made me feel very comfortable. She is the kind of person you would want for a friend. I would be so lucky if I could have her again for my other infusions. That's not likely to happen...but I can hope!!!!

 

     Accessing the port was the next step. Stacy cleaned off the EMLA cream and began to prepare the port site. The IV is held in place by a needle that is connected to the IV.

 

Oh yes, that needle!!! 

 

Thank goodness, I had been shown the needle on the day the port was put in. Had I not seen it before, Stacey would have been picking me up off the floor! Not kidding! The needle is BIG, longer than you think it should be, slightly curved, and THICK!!!  YIKES!

 

     Because my port had been in only five days, it was tender and bruised. It had many red, orange, and yellow hues radiating out from the site from the bruising. Stacy counted down before she pushed the needle in so I would be ready. The pressure needed to get the needle in was uncomfortable because of the unhealed port but it wasn't horrible. The EMLA cream did it's job quite well. I felt a poke but not the kind of a stab that the needle looked like it could create!

 

Next she flushed the port with saline and thankfully, it performed perfectly! After that came the meds that prevent reactions and nausea.

 

Then I met chemo!

 

     Chemo appears to be very innocent. It looks just like water.

 

The first chemo drug I got was the Taxotere. The chemo, Carboplatin, followed. Lastly, I got the Herceptin (more about that later). I did not feel anything different when the chemos went in as compared to the IV drip.

 

Again, the prayers that have been offered up for me these last eight weeks worked because I did not have one single reaction to any of the drugs. I am very lucky and blessed to have escaped the scary reactions some people have. I sure it was because of the prayers.

 

     Herceptin is a drug that targets the kind of cancer I have. It works in a really cool way! It seeks out and locks onto protein cells called HER2+. (HER+2 is what makes my cancer the nasty, aggressive kind). Once it attaches to these cells, it brings in other immune cells to help kill them! What a smart drug!

 

     Did you know the chemo and other drugs used need to be pre-approved by your insurance company? As of 4:00pm yesterday, my Herceptin had not yet been approved. I NEED Herceptin because that's the drug that kills my kind of cancer!

 

Usually, Herceptin is given first followed by the other two chemo drugs but since it was still not approved this morning, the decision was made to go ahead and just do the two kinds of chemo. I'd have to come back for the Herceptin later after it had been approved.

 

This was NOT good because the chemo and the Herceptin work best when given together. We were so disappointed that insurance companies can dictate care in that way.

 

     We started the chemo and that's when your prayers worked again!!! The nurses and others at RMCC started making phone calls. Somehow, they got the Herceptin cleared so it could be given to me today. When Stacy told us, Arland, Katie, and I all cheered. I'm sure others in the rooms around us were wondering what all the noise was about!  :-) 

 

Stacey and the others involved went above and beyond and we are so grateful! As I said, she is an angel!

 

     By around 3:50pm, my treatments were all done and I could go home. Stacy again counted down as she removed the nail, I mean needle. I didn't think that would hurt but it did hurt for a few minutes.

 

     We had been there over eight hours. I'm sure it was long for Katie. She stayed the entire time. Arland left to go to work about 11:30 and came back to get me later.

 

For me, the day did not seem like eight plus hours. It seemed much shorter because I was feeling like I had finally been allowed to start this fight! Tomorrow, Kristi will post the pictures that were taken today.

 

     I am holding my breath until the side effects of the drugs begin. I have taken an anti-nausea pill and anther pill that will help the effects of the Neulasta shot I have to get tomorrow. I also have to take two steroid pills tomorrow that will help hold reactions at bay.

 

     Chemo kills white blood cells in your bone marrow. Neulasta works hard in your bone marrow to step up production of the white blood cells.  Because of the stress the bone marrow is under, your body and bones ache terribly for about three days.  I'm not looking forward to that. It is one of those necessary evils to get the white blood count back up. I will buck up and get through it.

 

     Well, I just found out I no longer have to hold my breath waiting for any side effects. I had put my hands on my face because my face felt funny. My face is very flushed and hot which is a reaction from the Taxotere. I looked in the mirror and was shocked to see how red I look. (Thanks for telling me about this, Shawn and Stacy, or I may not have been able to sleep tonight wondering about what was going on!!!) I'm hoping it will be gone by morning. I am also starting to feel the nausea.

 

     The side effects have officially begun. I will be carried through the additional side effects as they present themselves, just like I was this morning...with the gift I cannot explain in words. The cards, emails, gifts, and good wishes will make the side effects bearable. Because of you, I will make it through this venture and hopefully come out a better person.

 

     To each and every one of you who have offered kind words, support, food, cards, emails, and love, I want to sincerely say those two inadequate little words again. 

 

Thank you... 

 

With your help, I will get through this.

Party Time!!!

     Today it felt official. Today was my retirement party.

 

I felt a strange disconnect as I walked into Westside, the place that has been my second home for 20+ years. I faced the fact that my teaching career is really over...and for the first time during this venture, it wasn't as stabbingly painful as it had been in the past.

 

     That sad, disconnected feeling quickly evaporated like morning dew as my family and sooooo many friends came to celebrate with me at the party!

 

I was surrounded by the most precious people in the world...my family and friends.  These people who have been such an integral part of my life for so many years came to celebrate with ME! My eyes well up at that thought.

 

     These were people with whom I have laughed and also ones with whom I have cried. 

 

People who left Westside and went to Aurora when our school split several years ago.

 

People who have taken the same path, retirement, as the path I am just beginning to travel. 

 

People who have been my leaders at school.

 

People who have tackled cancer and WON!

 

People from our church.

 

People from the district office who took the time to come and add friendship and delight to my day.

 

People from years past who came to learn how to teach from me for 16 weeks as a student teacher but from whom I also learned so much too.

 

People from NDSU college days.

 

People I had as first graders that are now my almost second graders, people in middle school, in high school, and in college.

 

People who I have taught or collaborated with in past years. I even had one of my dearest friends, Karen, show up on a video!

 

I was fully enveloped by good wishes, happy memories, and tons of love and support.

 

 

     Tomorrow I start a another new chapter in my life. A very scary, unsure, weak-kneed, stomach-rumbling one. I thought it would be bittersweet, even traumatic, to party one day and be hooked up to chemo-filled IV's the next.

 

How WRONG I was!!!

 

     Because of this afternoon and evening, I now know there will be NO bittersweet nor traumatic feelings tomorrow. 

 

What has taken the place of the negative feelings is so much bigger, so much stronger! What I will carry with me from this afternoon and evening are feelings of love, support, kindness, helpfulness, love, joy, caring, encouragement, friendship, love, assistance, strength, compassion, gentleness, and yes, even more love.  I now know that this was the PERFECT way to begin my next chapter.

 

     Tomorrow, as I walk into the Roger Maris Cancer Center, thanks to you, I will not walk in alone. I will walk in wrapped in a blanket of all the wonderfully amazing feelings you generously bestowed on me today. I am shielded against the negatives I will face by what each of you shared with me.  And, it won't be just for tomorrow! I will draw on all the support and strength that was given to me today for many more infusions. All I have to do is close my eyes and remember, feel the warmth and love, and know that I was given a gift that is so much bigger and greater than what I could ever have asked for or imagined!

 

     THANK YOU is way too small to begin to express my gratitude...but it's all I've got!

 

So...thank you for making today one I will remember and cherish for a very long, long time. 

 

Thank you to my family. I am SO INCREDIBLY LUCKY to have you! Thank you to all who came and shared your kind words, love, and support. Thank you for being part of my family, even though no blood is shared. You are my "chosen" family. Thank you for all the cards and meaningful gifts I received. (Molly, I am taking my Cancer Awareness pocket angel along with me tomorrow to give me strength and comfort. Thank you for that!)

Thank you, everyone, for being there today because I know it took time away from your family. Thank you for helping me realize how incredibly lucky I am to have family and friends like you!!!

 

     Tonight, as I write this, I am soaking in all the warmth, love, support, and good wishes. I will face cancer head-on tomorrow knowing I am well-loved and supported!

 

And that means the world to me!

OK, God! I GET IT!!!

     God has a weird sense of humor!!!

 

     I knew that getting a port to make all the chemo infusions easier was the right thing to do. I just REALLY didn't want to do it!  After all, I was finally feeling pretty good!  My thyroid incision and my lumpectomy were healing nicely and I just didn't want to deal with any more pain.

 

God thought differently!

 

He definitely showed me that He knows best...do the RIGHT thing and get a port!

 

     I have had signs that the port was the right thing to do. The day that I had my lumpectomy and the right half of my thyroid removed, I received the first sign, even though I didn't yet realize it was a sign.

     I have great veins!  That's one of the benefits of getting older. The nurses can actually SEE my veins when they draw blood so blood draws have always been a snap.

 

     On lumpectomy/thyroid surgery day, my nurse Patty was being shadowed by a "float", (sort of like a student teacher in "teacher terms"). The float...I won't say her name, I'll just call her Ms. Float...was going to put the IV in.  I have always watched the nurse insert IV's because I am sort of fascinated by the process (WIERD, I know!!!). Poke and magically blood appears! 

 

Ms. Float chose an unconventional spot on my arm to put the IV in but I figured she knew what she was doing and I didn't say anything.  I watched her poke, wiggle the needle, pull back a bit, wiggle the needle, push in, wiggle the needle, and all the while she's saying, "It's right there!  It's right there. I can feel it. It's right there!"  YOWWWIE! 

 

Soon the room started getting very warm and my stomach started feeling not so great so I lowered my bed (I used to faint a lot so I knew to get my head down). By then, Nurse Patty had a very concerned look because she thought I was going to loose my lunch, even though I had not eaten in the last 10 hours.

 

Finally, I said that I thought we needed to "try something else"...Like "LET PATTY DO IT!!!" (Thought that...didn't say it though!) Ms. Float finally stopped trying! Nurse Patty had the IV in and going in about 25 seconds without any pain involved! I should have recognized that fiasco as a sign...a BIG sign!

 

     Last Thursday, I went to the same place to get my port put in as where I had my lumpectomy/thyroid surgeries. First thing I did was check for Ms. Float! Hurray! She's not there so I'm feeling confident that today's IV insertion will go better!!! 

 

     Nurse Kathy gets me situated lying in bed and begins the IV insertion process. Again, I sit there and watch as she finds a vein on the first try but then says the IV is "positional". I had no idea what that meant until she kept lifting the IV higher and higher until it was at a right angle to my hand! That was the only way she could get the IV saline solution to drip into my hand! 

 

Again, my bed went down, down, down until my head was low enough to get some blood back into it. GEEZ!!!

 

Of course, that right angled IV is not going to work! Since that IV is my lifeline to the drugs that will put me into lala land come time for surgery, I needed that IV to work!!!!!!!!!!  Sooooo, pull it out and start all over in a new spot AGAIN!!!  

 

AARGH! 

 

This time the IV worked. THANK GOD! Speaking of GOD, Nurse Kathy says to me, "Yup, and that's why you need to have a port!" Right then and there is when I decided God has a weird sense of humor!  Yes, God, I got the message loud and clear...GET THE PORT!

 

     Yup! I got the port.

 

People lied! They said the port isn't bad...not a big deal! I must be a wuss because it did hurt and it was a big enough deal for me. It caused me to have to sleep in the recliner for four nights again because now I can't sleep on either side now!!!!

 

     I think God had been whispering in those people's ear, telling them to say, "Getting a port isn't bad." I sure God is chuckling...not that He wants me to suffer...but that He did convince me to get that darn port! 

It's All in the Genes!

     Yup, another one of those nights! Sleeps escapes me once again. 

 

Part of this sleep issue is symptomatic (my port is getting put in in just a few short hours...yikes!) and part is hereditary. I'm blaming my Dad for that part!  

 

     Dad was a farmer all his life. He worked hard and we got every last minute of work time jam packed into each and every day. Work time was utilized to the fullest as we grew up!

 

At night, while the rest of us headed to bed, Dad would sit at the kitchen table reading, enjoying his heaping bowl of ice cream (he stayed skinny his whole life!!!), and then chewing on his ever-present toothpicks. I cannot remember him ever reading a book but he read every other piece of written material that came in the mail. A couple favorites were our local small town papers (The Dickinson Press and the Killdeer Herald), numerous farming magazines (Successful Farming and The Farm Journal), and "The Advertiser", a paper chucked full of buy, sell, rent, or trade type ads. About 2am, he would finally wander off to bed. By 6am, he was up making and enjoying his coffee, ready to hit the ground running again.

 

     I'm not sure if it's a blessing or a curse, but I'm pretty sure I inherited a good chunk of Dad's "stay-up-late-at-night" gene.

 

     I went to bed early...10:30 and slept until 1:35. Then, my eyes popped open and my mind started tumbling around hundreds of thoughts.

 

I tried all of the usual tricks to fall back asleep but none worked. Those tumbled thoughts kept interfering. After lying there for a couple hours waiting for sleep to come, I decided it was futile! May as well get up and do something productive! Therefore, another addition to the blog is created.

 

     One of the reasons sleep was illusive is because my body, from the waist down, is screaming at me. It is protesting the workout I gave it yesterday when we dealt with our flooded basement (think...a kazillion trips up and down the steps). I didn't think I overdid it at the time we were dealing with "all things soggy" but my body is sending me a different message. So calming that screaming body should be an easy fix, right? Two ibuprofen should do the trick! 

 

     Ahhh, therein lies the problem!

 

The nurse who called with pre-surgery-get-that-darn-port-in instructions said nothing to eat or drink after midnight...and it is well past that magic hour!

 

So I tried lying there quietly, then look at clock, turn to one side, nope, try the other, fluff pillow, look at clock, lay flat, rearrange pillow, throw off blankets, re-gather blankets, look at the clock, and on and on.

 

     And then it happened! 

 

My stomach rumbled! Now, besides not being sleepy, I am also HUNGRY!  AAARGH!!!

 

Again I am blaming that nurse who called with the pre-surgery-get-that-darn-port-in instructions..."No food or drink..."

 

     So, it is now 4:03am, the alarm is set to go off in 57, 56, 55, 54 minutes and I am sitting at the kitchen table, much like my Dad had done so many times during his lifetime. Yes, I am blaming Dad for that crazy "stay-up-late-at-night" gene.  I'm pretty sure that one is his fault!

 

     Why, oh why, couldn't he have given me the "stay-skinny-all-your-life" gene instead!!!!!!!