What Do I Say...

Hi everyone... this is Kristi.  Mom asked me to post some of the pictures of her wig on here, but I also need to tell you what she and Katie did to me.  

I really wanted to go wig shopping with mom, but I had to take the boys to swimming lessons, so I wasn't able to be there.  I was eager to hear how it went, so right after swimming lessons I called mom.  She said that things went well... she said that she found a wig that Katie and Shawn thought was really cute.  She seemed a little more hesitant about the wig, because it was more "trendy" and "in-style" than her current hair.  I was excited to see this wig!!  As we hung up, mom said she'd text me the pictures.  

This is what I received a few minutes later...

You tell me - what do you say when your mom sends you a picture, and this is what she will look like for the next 6+ months???

 

Luckily, I was driving when I received this, so I had some time to think about how I was going to respond.  I kind of thought it might be a joke, but what if it wasn't??  Do I tell her the truth - that she may have had this type of hair in 1970, but it just wasn't really "her"?  Do I lie and tell her it's beautiful?  

 

I had decided to just reply with one word - "wow!" That would kind of leave it open - years later, when we are talking about her cancer treatments, we could probably joke about it and I could possibly tell her the truth, that I thought the wig was...well...interesting.

 

Right as I was typing the "wow!" text, I got another one, telling me that it was a joke (just imagine how relieved I was)!!!!  A few minutes later, I received the REAL pictures of mom's new wig - and I COMPLETELY agree with Katie and Shawn - it is awesome!  They did a great job of picking something that looks similar to her current hair, but is definitely more in-style!  I love it!  

 

 

I am so relieved that I don't have to figure out how to tell mom that long, wavy 1970's hair doesn't really look good on her anymore (it may have looked fine when she was in her 20's...).  

 

I showed Brody the picture of mom with the first wig on, and his reaction was priceless - I explained that the medicine that Grandma has to take is going to make her hair fall out, so she had to choose a wig.  He wanted to make sure that it would eventually come back, which I reassured him that it would.  He took a look at the first picture from above and went, "NOOOO - that's not Grandma!!"  I then showed him the real pictures, and he was a little more accepting of it (but not completely - he likes Grandma the way she is).  

 

It will likely take some getting used to by everyone, especially mom, but I think the wig looks great.  Who knows... once her hair grows back, maybe she can keep the new, trendy style with her own hair!  

Good News/Bad News

     First, the good news...no, the GREAT news... Dr. Terstriep, my oncologist, read my PET scan and it shows NO ADDITIONAL CANCER anywhere in my body!!!!  HURRAY!!!  I was delighted to know that I do not have to worry about cancer anywhere else right now. We celebrated that victory!  :-)

 

     Tomorrow morning at 8am I have Chemo Class at Roger Maris Cancer Center. Can you believe a few short weeks ago, I didn't even know this class existed? Life can surely change quickly!

 

     On Thursday, I am getting my port put in my chest. The port will make the chemo and the Herceptin easier because it won't have to go through my veins. The drugs are VERY hard on veins!  I'm dreading this procedure. I know it is the right thing to do but I am NOT in the least bit looking forward to it. I think part of it is that I am finally feeling pretty good after my last two surgeries and don't want more pain. Since I'm feeling good, it must be time for more incisions, stitches, and pain pills. AARGH!

     Now, the bad news...

 

Arland got up this morning and found our basement was flooded. Our sump pump had malfunctioned. We had standing water in parts of all six rooms.

 

Arland vacuumed carpets as I wiped off the linoleum and the tiled areas. We had lots of boxes setting in water.  Arland carried them to a tarp on the linoleum that I had just gotten dried off. He was supposed to be at some specialized training today at his department but he had to miss a lot of it because of the mess downstairs. 

 

We fixed up our basement less than two years ago so things were (past tense) looking very nice down there. Not so nice now.

 

     Bob, our son, came over this evening and cut up the bedroom carpet so we could get that out of the basement. Since it was sopping wet, it was too heavy (and drippy) for Arland and Bob to carry it out in one piece. We will have to replace that obviously.

 

     Right now, we have two dehumidifiers and about six fans running down there as we try to dry up the remaining wet spots.  There are several small mountains of boxes, blankets, totes, and much other stuff piled in the middle of each room. It looks like "Tornado Alley!"

     We are thankful our furniture did not get ruined. We are grateful that it wasn't worse!

    

    

More New Experiences

     With cancer, there always seems to be a another new experience right around each (and every!) corner! Some experiences are easy and not too scary. Other experiences are more uncomfortable and somewhat distressing. Today, I had one of each.

 

     The easy and not too scary one came in the form of a PET scan. A PET scan is done to detect if there are other undiscovered cancers lurking undetected somewhere in your body.

 

For the most part, the PET scan was quite simple. Don't eat or drink anything after 7:15am and then wait and wait and wait until appointment time. My appointment was at 12:45.

 

When I got to the Roger Maris Cancer Center, I was ushered down another hallway I had never seen before and escorted through a set of locked doors. The locked doors were a little unnerving but I figured I couldn't be the only one back there so it must be fine. (They are locked for safety because of all the radioactive meds used there.)

 

     The PET scan process began at 1:00 with an intravenous injection of radioactive glucose. (If you look towards West Fargo in the dark, you may still see me glowing!!!) After the IV injection at 1:15, the nurse removed the needle and told me to lie there quietly for one hour without any movement. She said I could shift slightly if the HUGE recliner I was seated in became uncomfortable but NO other movement was allowed. (Cancer cells grow rapidly so the radioactive glucose is readily absorbed by them. Movement messes with that process and taints the results.) She covered me with a warmed blanket (I do sooo love those!!!), turned off all the lights with the exception of a small dim light, and told me she'd be back in an hour. My job was to relax and not move for an hour which I did...quite well, I think! 

 

     I must have dozed off because the door opened much sooner than I expected it to. She told me for the next part, we would move to the scanning machine next door.

 

I laid down on the very narrow "tray" type bed with my head propped in a close-fitting form to hold it still. She put large Velcro straps across my body to keep my arms from falling off the tray bed so I didn't have to use any muscles to support my arms (muscle activity would mess with the results again.) After that, she covered me with 2 warmed blankets (did I mention that I LOVE those blankets!?!). Shortly after 2:15, the scan began.

 

     The tray bed moved through the very narrow scanning machine (thank goodness, I am not claustrophobic) once from head to toe as a continuous scan was done. Then it began scanning sections of my body in 3 1/2 minute increments from my eyebrows down to the middle of my thighs. Again, I was asked NOT to move because that would blur the images.

 

As before, I snoozed. I know I fell asleep because I woke myself up when my shoulder involuntarily jerked!  OOOPS! So much for lying perfectly still! (I had only slept a few hours Sunday night which explains all the highly unusual napping I did during the scan.) My stomach growled and rumbled throughout the entire process.

 

     At 3:15 I was done and the first thing I did was to find some food since I hadn't eaten or drank anything since I ate my peanut butter toast eight hours earlier at 7:15 that morning. I had a bottle of water waiting in the Acadia! It tasted so good!!! Ah...simple pleasures.

    

     My second new experience of the day was of the second sort...uncomfortable and somewhat distressing.

 

I went to get a wig.

 

     After cancer was found in one of my lymph nodes during surgery, chemo was no longer an option...it was a certainty. I used the 14 days between surgery and today to mentally prepare to face the certainty that my hair is going to fall out.

 

     I am so fortunate to have a wonderful friend, Shawn, who has been down the road I am now traveling. She has been very gently guiding me towards this day.  She called last week and suggested that maybe we should go wig shopping soon. I would have continued putting it off but with her gentle nudging and compassionate persuasion, I agreed, knowing it had to be done sooner rather than later.

 

     So, today was the day.

 

This afternoon she came to my house to pick me up, and off we went to the place where you are forced to face the inevitable reality that you WILL lose your hair.

 

     The American Cancer Society gives a wig to people who lose their hair. Shawn took me there to begin the process of trying on and choosing a wig. Katie met us there to help in the selection process.

 

We met a young gal who took us to a side room where there were a number of synthetic wigs. She handed me a small black thing that looked like a knee high nylon only shorter. Then she left and pulled the curtain closed behind her. (The lady who usually helps people with wigs was home sick and this poor gal didn't really know what to do with us!)

 

    Thank goodness for Shawn!!!  She explained that the knee high nylon thingy was a sheer cap to hold my hair down close to my head to help the wigs fit better. I had NO idea what it was for! Getting that on was an experience! 

 

After I finally got the nylon thingy on, the trial and error process began.  We found a wig to try on that was close to my hair color.  Shawn had to teach me how to put it on because I had never done it before. Shawn adjusted it and Katie fluffed it before I turned around to look in the mirror.

 

     OH. MY. GOSH!!!

 

The shock of seeing myself in a wig that I knew I would need soon was indescribable. I was mortified! It was close to the right color but it looked AWFUL on me. I couldn't believe that I was really looking at me in the mirror. It surely didn't LOOK like me! I will never forget the feeling I had as I looked at my reflection. Reality set in fast and hard.

 

     Over the past two weeks, I had made up my mind that I was NOT going to cry when this day came. I don't know why I felt it was so important to do this without tears but to me it just was! I would make it through the "wig-picking" experience WITHOUT tears!

 

     After the initial horrifying shock of seeing my reflection in the mirror, I took a deep breath, tried to fix/fluff/style the wig, knew that was futile, and decided to try a different one...but I had done it without tears!

 

     The next one didn't work out very well either. Both Shawn and Katie very kindly said it didn't look too bad and with some professional cutting and styling it might work but I just wasn't ready to accept that this is what I was going to look like for the next 6 to 8 months.

 

We found a third one that seemed to be a slightly different color than my hair and I tried that one on. That one didn't horrify me, so we put that on a "maybe" pile. The next one I tried on had a really cute cut but the color was too light so that one was put back.

 

     After trying a couple more, we ran out of wigs that matched my color so we went back to the two in the "maybe" pile. I tried both of them on again. We agreed that one of the wigs was close in color and had a cute style in front and in back. Katie and Shawn both agreed that the style, although different from mine, was cute and looked like a newer, fresher, trendier style than what I have now so that's the one I brought home. Ha!  Can you imagine!?!  Me...trendy?  HA!

 

     Then things went south...

 

     Either Shawn or Katie (I can't remember which one and it's waaaay to late...2:15am...to call and ask) decided I should try on a very LONG, very blond, very wavy wig. Oh, my! 

 

Our giggles rolled out under the curtain and I'm sure the young gal that had shown us into the room was wondering WHAT was going on back there. BUT, giggle we did! (Pictures will come later. Kristi will need to post them for me since I don't know how yet.)

 

     After the uncomfortable, distressing realization of seeing myself in a wig that first time and knowing that I would need it in the very near future, I desperately needed some levity and lightheartedness. We NEEDED that silliness! It felt so good to giggle!!!

 

     Now, I wonder what new experiences await me around the next corner.

I Can Breathe Again!

     I really don't think I have breathed for the last 2 1/2 days! I breathed enough to maintain life but not enough to live!

 

In anticipation of my oncology appointment this morning, I spent the last several days reading up on chemo so that I could make the best, most well-informed decisions regarding my plan. I was breathing to keep me going.

 

Tonight, I'm breathing to live!

 

     There is a difference. The last few days were spent in survival mode...reading, learning, and processing. After my appointment this morning, I am breathing to live again!

 

     Dr. Terstriep is my oncologist. She is young, smart, confident, and a "down to business" type person. I like her. I trust her.  A lot. (After all, she does sort of hold my life in her hands...)

 

     At our meeting, she began by explaining why I needed chemo (cancer in one lymph node). Then she laid out the chemo plans and all my fears melted away.

 

 Did you notice I said plans...plural? She gave me a choice of two chemo plans, not just one like I was so worried about. What a relief! I got to make the choice that I thought was best for me!!! Luckily, both plans were the ones I had read about for all those hours.

 

     Cancer plays with numbers. In plan A, you get a 3% higher chance of no recurrence/long term survival but it comes with a high percentage of irreversible heart damage and a less than 10% chance of getting leukemia.

 

Plan B has a 3% lower chance of no recurrence/long term survival, has much lower risks for heart damage, and a less than 1% chance of getting leukemia. There were about 5 other things compared by percentages in the plans but the three above were the most important to me.

 

I chose plan B. It was the one I has hoping for as I researched options. I'm willing to take the 3% lower chance of no reoccurrence gamble.

 

I began to breathe!

 

     Do you remember a VERY old commercial (All of you under 45 will probably not remember!!!) that asked, "How do you spell relief?"  I spell relief "Plan B!"

 

     After the appointment with Dr. Terstriep, I saw Dr. Johnson for the nodule on my lung.  She repeatedly told me how small it was and that she does not believe it is cancer related.

 

After the lung appointment, I had my blood drawn again. Dr. Terstriep said it had been quite a while since I had it done but in my mind it didn't seem that long ago. I'm pretty sure it was only a few weeks. I guess long has become a relative term now. :-)

 

Finally, Arland and I went home. I had a quick bite to eat and drove myself (first time driving since surgery) back for a 12:30 echocardiogram...an ultrasound of my heart.  They need to know that my heart can withstand chemo.  That echo also provides a baseline for comparisons during and after the Herceptin treatments.

 

 Herceptin, the drug to fight my kind of cancer which I will be taking for a year, is known to be very hard on some people's heart so that is why a baseline is needed. I will be getting an echo every three months for a year. It's a very interesting process because as you lie there, you watch and hear your heart pumping on the screen. Pretty cool!

      This evening, the sun came out and I knew what I needed to do. I needed to breathe!

 

I went outside and walked around our block, a 1/2 mile trek. And guess what I did. I just breathed!

 

 For the first time in three days, I heard the birds tweeting.  As I walked, I heard deep, loud thunder rumbling to the west. I saw the fattest, reddest robin battling a worm. I looked and marveled at how fast grass can turn green after a spring rain. I felt the first oversized drops of cold rain hit me as I neared our front door.

 

The peace I doubted I could find last night has been found...and I am once again breathing to live.

    

Tomorrow

      I have a cavernous pit in the bottom of my stomach tonight. My throat is tight. I feel as if I am being lead to the executioner.

 

Fear of the unknown will make you feel that way.

 

Tomorrow...

 

     Tomorrow I meet with my oncologist to learn of the plan for the next year and a half of my life.

 

Tomorrow I will find out my chemo plan.

 

Tomorrow my "new normal" will change...again.

 

Tomorrow gives me uneasiness, fear, and sadness.

 

Tomorrow I am faced with the harsh realities of cancer once again.

 

Tomorrow I face the unknown once more.

 

     As much as I want to "get this show on the road", I am realizing that it is a very scary process and elicits a whole new set of emotions. I have spent the last two days reading as much as I could about different chemo regimens, side effects, benefits of one kind of regimen over the other, long term prognosis's of each regimen, etc.

 

I have prepared a list of 29 questions for my oncologist. Sounds like overkill but I need all the questions answered so I can feel some control, confidence, peace (if that's possible...and right now as my stomach churns I am doubting that it is), and direction for my life for the next year and a half.

 

     I'm mourning the summer that I'm losing. I feel like my summer is being robbed from me. I'm also mourning the loss of the plans Arland and I had made for this summer since we are both going to be newly retired.

 

I know there will be times that I will feel ok after chemo has started, but I also know that the chemo will make me feel rotten and crummy.

 

Our whole summer is usually spent entertaining family and friends each weekend at the lake which Arland and I thoroughly enjoy! If I'm feeling awful, all that will be impossible. Our summers in this part of the world are so short and precious that I feel cheated. Maybe if I have chemo early in the week, some of the weekends can be salvaged. Maybe???

 

      Tomorrow...

 

With the morning's light will come new thoughts and new strength so I'm going to try to save tomorrow's troubles for tomorrow. 

     

On The Prowl...

     I am on the prowl again... looking...  looking...  looking...

 

    What exactly am I looking for?

 

Something I had no intentions of ever having to know or learn about and even less want to know about. I'm on the hunt for knowledge. The knowledge I seek is about chemo.

 

    Why? Two reasons...  First, after the doctor found cancer in one of the five lymph nodes he removed, I now HAVE to have chemo. Before surgery, one of my doctors said yes I had to have it and the other said maybe. I guess I leaned too heavily on the maybe, got my hopes up too high, and believed in my soul that maybe I could get by without it. That thinking came to a screeching halt last Monday morning.

 

Sooooo, now I need to know about chemo.

 

     The second reason I am prowling is because having cancer means having no control over things I took for granted for so long.  Getting up and driving to school, teaching my heart out so my kiddos would do well on the MAP tests next week, emailing parents, etc. All those things that mattered SO much just a short time ago are all things that cancer took away my control of.

 

     Cancer also took away control over my medical decisions and choices. Tests, biopsies, surgery, medications, and other procedures all done because of cancer. I suppose I could have had some control and said no. Saying no would have given me some control but would have ended with BAD results. So, I have resigned myself to giving up control about medical decisions and letting the people who have devoted their lives to medicine make the choices for me.

 

 Yet, I still go to each appointment armed with the knowledge I have searched for before each appointment, procedure, decision...

 

     However, I still need some small, actually miniscule, amount of control over my destiny, so I prowl. If I cannot make the medical decisions, at least I can be knowledgeable about what goes into making those decisions. 

 

     After my initial diagnosis, I read ENDLESSLY, EVERY night for weeks on end about breast cancer. I know my kind of cancer inside and out.

 

Before surgery, I read ENDLESSLY about lumpectomies and mastectomies and then prayed hard and heavy to make the right decision for me.

 

Before my treatments start shortly, I read ENDLESSLY about the drug, Herceptin, that I will have to take for a minimum of 52 weeks.

 

I also know the facts about radiation that will be a part of my treatment plan because of the ENDLESS reading I have done.

 

     So now, it is time for me to learn about chemo drugs. I am quite sure I will have no choice in the drugs I will be given but at least I will know LOTS about each drug so that I can, at the very minimum, be informed about how the drug works, the side effects, it's effectiveness in treating my kind of cancer, etc.

 

Will it make any difference in the end? Probably not, because the doctor who I chose to lead me thorough this impossible maze is the one making those hard decisions. She will tell me what I need, what will work best for me, and which drugs will give me the best shot at what I want most...I want to live.

 

     I want to spend more time with Arland. I want to see my kids grow old. I want to be a part of Brody, Logan, and Olivia's lives as they grow up. I want to laugh with my friends. I want to do some good for someone by volunteering my time. I want to catch more fish. I want to read a multitude of great books. I want to make baby blankets. I want to go on a cruise. I want to spend time with old friends and new ones too. I want to wake up at the lake on more days than just June, July, and August. I want to travel to see long time friends. I want to work crossword puzzles. I want to clean my house (not really but I just thought I SHOULD get that one in there!). I want to be able to not think about cancer every day. I want to travel with friends. I want to cook good meals and enjoy some great wines. I want to try to repay all the kindnesses that have been given to me during this unplanned journey. I want to bake cookies. I want to pick apples off our back yard apple tree with my grandkids just like my parents did with our kids. I want to eat out with friends. I want to cuddle babies. I want to be a better person. I want to have more Christmas parties. I want to play cards with family and friends. I want to plant flowers. I want to splash in puddles at the lake with my grandkids. I want to be cancer-free. I WANT LIFE!!!

 

     So, prowl I will. 

 

I need that tiny amount of control from the knowledge that I gain by being informed about the many medical procedures I have yet to face.

 

     And now it's time for me to prowl...

    

Lent vs. Verna's Venture

     Lent began March 5, only a few days after my venture began. While Lent will be over tomorrow, Easter Sunday, after only 40 days, my journey has just begun and will last far longer than the 40 days we just spent preparing for Easter.

     Easter has always been one of my favorite holidays. It meant many meaningful church services, a return of warmer weather, new baby calves and kittens (when I was growing up on the farm), and anticipation of the welcome changes spring brings. 

    

     This year Lent was different however.

 

Easter preparation was a distant thought in my mind. I was too busy reading, processing, and dealing with other challenges...except on Sunday mornings.

 

     Sunday mornings have never been difficult until Lent arrived this year. The first Sunday of Lent was the first Sunday mass we attended since my diagnosis.

 

As we sang the gathering song, "Jerusalem, My Destiny" I could not get through it without tears. The first words are, "I have fixed my eyes on your hills, Jerusalem, my destiny! Though I cannot see the end for me, I cannot turn away. We have set our hearts for the way; This journey is my destiny. Let no one walk alone. The journey makes us one." 

 

This song resonated in my mind as I kept thinking about how it is now my song...my song about my journey through cancer. "I have fixed my eyes on your hills, Jerusalem, CANCER is my destiny! Though I cannot see the end for me, I cannot turn away (This line is soooo true...I cannot turn away!!!). We (Arland, family, friends) have set our hearts for the way; This journey is my destiny. Let no one walk alone (and ever since my diagnosis, I have NOT once walked alone).The journey makes us one (all the people who have sent thoughts, prayers, cards, gifts, and kind words are now part of my journey, my venture)."

 

Each and every Lenten Sunday as we sang this song, now my song, tears flowed.

 

   Lent is over tomorrow. Tomorrow will bring new songs for Easter and for the rest of the church year. We will no longer sing my song in church until the next Lenten season when my journey will have been in progress for well over a year.

 However, just because we are no longer singing the song in church, that doesn't mean it is not haunting my thoughts..."I have fixed my eyes....Though I cannot see the end for me, I cannot turn away. We have set our hearts for the way; This journey is my destiny..." 

 

 

The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly

     Yesterday was the anniversary of my Mom's death. I believe it is a blessing she is not here to see my battle.  It would have been very, very hard for her.

 

 However, maybe, just maybe, she had a hand in the good news I received from my surgeon today. He told me that the pathology report was back and the good news was that I have clear margins!!!!! HURRAY...NO additional surgery to get all the cancer. The doctor got it all on the first try!!! That was VERY good news indeed!

 

     The bad news from the same report was that The Ugly...cancer... was found in one of the 5 sentinel lymph nodes the doctor removed.  Since they found cancer in one of them, that means I will definitely have to have chemo.

 

  I had really deep in my heart believed I could "skate by" without chemo.  I did not believe that cancer would be found in any of my lymph nodes. So far, I have trusted my gut instincts and they have been right on. However, my gut instinct took a BIG miss with that one. My family found out about the cancerous node before I did. I was still in surgery when the doctor told them. I am accepting the news but not liking it. I will do anything to get well, and I guess now chemo is included it that "anything"!

     We have the most wonderful friends in the whole world! Yesterday, a huge gorgeous green plant arrived at our door.  Thanks, Mike & Michelle!!!

 

Today, we got HOMEMADE knoephla soup delivered to our door.  It was the best knoephla soup I have ever tasted...NOT kidding!!! I am trying to figure out where I can hide it from Arland so I can have it aaallllll to myself!!! It really IS that good! Thanks, Tom & Shawn!!! 

 

This evening, we also got some "Magic Bean" hot dish that was so tasty! Thanks, Jack & Marcene!!! I also received many cards today. I am so very lucky to have so many people who care.

 

     I am also blessed because I got to see all three grandchildren, Olivia, Brody, and Logan today.  They make a person feel great, no matter how you are really feeling.

 

Olivia (11 months) is crawling everywhere and is trying to walk. Brody's birthday is tomorrow (he'll be 7) and I have to miss it for the SECOND year in a row!!! Last year, I was sitting with Arland in the hospital during his five heart bypasses. And Logan...just looking at him makes a person smile.  

 

Logan (he will be 4 in about 3 weeks) showed me his "surgery" scar and I showed him my thyroid "surgery" scar. The boys were very disappointed in my thyroid scar because I had told them it would be a smiley face...and it ISN'T!! It's pretty straight across!  :-(   They really, really wanted it to be a smiley face!!!

 

     I am going to wrap up for tonight. I'm still "foggy" so writing is challenging.

I'm Back!

     It's taken me a while but I'm back! Today is the first day that I felt like writing. The last several days have become a blur...pain meds do that! But, thank goodness for those pain meds!!! They made the first few days bearable.

     I have been debating which surgery is worse, thyroidectomy or lumpectomy, and I can't really say.  It all depends on when you ask.  It is hard to look up and down because of my thyroid surgery and my neck and throat is very sore and quite swollen. 

 

On the other hand, it is hard to move without "jiggling" so the lumpectomy isn't fun either. Guess it's a toss-up at this point.

 

     I am struggling to write with my foggy brain so I will quit for tonight and try again tomorrow. Thanks for all your notes, prayers, and good thoughts that are being sent my way.  I really do appreciate all of them.

No News Is Good News...

Like the title says, no news is good news.  There isn't much to update tonight. Mom is resting somewhat comfortably in her bed.  She is pretty tired, so hopefully she can get some sleep tonight and then even more sleep tomorrow when she goes home.  

She is on the 2 North wing - what a beautiful section of the hospital!  The rooms are quite large - right now Katie and I are sitting on a couch, and there are two other chairs in the room with plenty of room left over.  The picture below is Katie helping mom with her first walk down the hall.  The wing is pretty quiet tonight, which is good.  

Mom's next appointment is on the 24th with both Dr. Bouton and Dr. Traynor for follow up after the surgeries.  I'm sure mom will pop on here in the next few days to update everyone (if not, I will)!  

Thanks for all of the prayers today - I'd say overall it was a pretty good day, and all of the prayers must have worked.  

Surgery Day - Update 2

Hello family and friends,

 

It's time!  Mom was wheeled back into surgery at about 9:50 AM.  She and dad had been here at the hospital since 6:30 AM.  

 

When she arrived this morning, they had to put a wire into her breast to help guide the surgeons later in the day when they did the actual surgery.  She said that this was a little painful, but not nearly as bad as the biopsy.  After the wire procedure she went into one of the mammography rooms to get some radioactive dye so they could find her sentinel node and some other lymph nodes.  Mom was NOT looking forward to this part, as she had heard from many other people how painful this was.  She was only gone for about 30 minutes, and when they wheeled her back into the room with us, she said that it wasn't nearly as bad as she thought it was going to be.  She had asked for some numbing cream before the procedure, which likely helped.  She also found out that about 4 - 5 months ago, they changed the formula of the radioactive dye, so it is now not as painful as it used to be.  We were all very relieved that the procedure went well and was not as painful as she expected it to be.  

Dr. Bouton is operating right now. He is doing the lumpectomy.  After he is done, Dr. Traynor will operate on her thyroid.  Each surgery is expected to take around 1.5 hours, if things go well.  If cancer is found in the first few lymph nodes that they take out, the surgery will take longer because they will need to take out more lymph nodes.

Dr. Traynor will decide while he is in there whether he needs to take out the whole thyroid or if she gets to keep part of it.  We are hoping that there is no cancer in the thyroid and that she can keep part of it, as that will make recovery from that portion of the surgery much easier.  

 

I will keep this blog updated throughout the day.  We all truly appreciate your prayers, in addition to all of the other surprises that mom has received lately.


Update 1 - 12:15 PM

Dr. Bouton spoke with us around 11:50 and said the surgery went well.  The number of lymph nodes they take out during surgery depends on how many lymph nodes the dye goes to (usually 1 - 6); the dye in mom's body happened to go to 5 lymph nodes, so that is how many they took out today. Unfortunately, cancer was found in one of those nodes.  This means that she will likely have to do chemotherapy.  On a positive note, cancer was NOT found in 4 out of the 5 nodes, which means the chance that it has spread anywhere else in her body is small.  Also, they did not have to take more lymph nodes, which means less pain during recovery.

Dr. Traynor is working on her thyroid now - I will keep you updated when we hear from him.  


Update 2 - 1:10 PM

Dr. Traynor just spoke with us, and the thyroid surgery went very well.  He was able to take only half of her thyroid, and was even able to attempt to save one of her parathyroid glands.  The half of the thyroid that he took out was sent to pathology, and the initial reports came back as benign (non-cancerous).  This report is 85% accurate - they will now send it to a more extensive lab to make sure that it is benign.  If they happen to find cancer, they will have to go in within the next week to take the rest out... but, the chances are good that she will get to keep half of her thyroid.  

Mom is now in recovery... she will then be moved to her room for the night. Both of these surgeries are usually outpatient procedures, but with both of them taking place at the same time, she will spend the night in the hospital just to keep an eye on everything.  

Thanks again for your prayers - they are very much appreciated!  

The Countdown Has Ended...

     The countdown has ended but the battle has just begun! Tomorrow morning at 6:30am I will bravely (NOT bravely but with shaking knees!) walk down the hospital hallways to begin the fight of/for my life! 

     Prep for surgery begins at 6:30. The first of several procedures begins at 8 and several other procedures follow after that.  Surgery may start shortly after 9am. The surgeons believe it will take about 2 1/2 to 3 hours IF there are no cancerous lymph nodes.  If they do find cancer in my lymph nodes, that will add and hour to 1 and 1/2 hours to the surgery.

     I will be in the hospital overnight and go home Tuesday if all goes as planned. Arland has taken several days off and will be my main nurse at home for a couple days.

     Because I'm pretty sure I will have noooo interest in blogging tomorrow, Kristi will write for me.  She will post information when I get out of surgery and then again later in the evening. 

     Kristi also fixed the blog so now comments may be made.  Several people said they tried to comment but the site would not allow it.  She believes she has solved the problem.  The only issue now is that the posting time is not correct.  It records 2 hours earlier than when I actually post. It will say 10pm when I really posted at midnight.  Minor detail!

     Here are the things I am praying for to make tomorrow a better day:
* No cancer in the lymph nodes
* No cancer in any part of my thyroid
* Clear margins on the area removed from my breast
* No surprises or problems for either surgeon as they each perform their part of the surgery

     Since I cannot eat or drink anything after midnight, I'm going to take a BIG drink of water as soon as I am done with this post. Then, I will try my hardest to get a good night's sleep.

     Tomorrow is KC (Kick Cancer) Day and I am ready to begin this fight!!!!

Sadness, Sobs and Sweet Surprises

     It's 2:45am Sunday morning and sleep has been elusive again these last 2 nights. Rather than just lay there waiting, I decided I may as well be productive and write.

 

     Friday was the day I was dreading. It was my last day in school and I had to tell my little ones that I would not be there at my door to greet them Monday morning.  I waited until 2:10 because three of my kiddos leave at 2:20 to catch a bus. I felt like I was in full control of my emotions and thought I was ready to tell them.

 

     I called all the children up to the front and we gathered in our tight little circle as we do each day for story time but today it wasn't a story they were going to hear.

 

I began by telling them that as much as I loved being their teacher, I wasn't going to be able to teach them for the rest of the year. Today was the last day I would be with them because I needed to have surgery. I promised I would come back to visit them but that when I did, they wouldn't be able to hug me anymore because my "ribs" would be sore. (I didn't want to give them full details...that determination would be up to their parents.  I had written a letter to their parents that Friday disclosing that my leave was due to breast cancer surgery and treatments so the parents would be aware.)

 

     I had been looking down at my hands as I delivered the unhappy news. I should NOT have looked up at them because when I did, I noticed two little girls sitting up close to me had tears running down their faces.

 

I'm sure you can guess what happened next. I immediately got tears in my eyes and fought desperately to maintain control, but it took a minute to gain my composure. By then, both girls had little sobs coming from each of them.

 

I tried so hard to keep discussion moving but the sobbing began to spread to other children and soon all I heard was a big ocean of sobs. Over half the class was sobbing uncontrollably and I could not do anything to help them feel better.

     As the sobbing grew, several people came down the hall to see what was the matter. As they realized what was happening, they left us alone, knowing that I was telling them. Besides, all would be ok when the bell rang at 2:45.

 

Boy, were they wrong!!!

 

 The children's sobbing grew louder and louder and I knew I had to do something quickly. I decided that if we read a funny book, they would be distracted enough to quit crying and all would be well.

 

Wrong again!!!

 

As I read, their sobs got louder and louder. I knew I needed to try something else so as I announced what we were going to do next, my little Dennis the Menace boy (you know the kind...naughty, always in trouble, but oh, so lovable!!!) loudly announced loudly with a curved sweeping arm pump and a grin on his face, "Well, THAT certainly didn't work, did it!!!"  Of course, I laughed through my tears!

 

     Nothing I tried was working, so cry on we all did. By now, it was time to go home so our classroom para, Cindy, was in the hall helping two little kiddos who need extra help at the end of the day. As the children walked back to their desks, one of my sweet, very soft hearted little boys who was trying soooo hard to be brave came over to me and said, "These aren't tears in my eyes.  I just poked myself in the eye".  As he left the room he told Cindy, "I had to leave my classroom because I was starting to cry."  :-)

 

     It was almost time for all the children to leave so I thought one way to help the sobbing subside might be a great big group hug.

 

Very, VERY wrong!!!

 

By now, nearly everyone was a mess!!! I have never before prayed for the dismissal bell to ring but at that point, it was all I could do.

 

Finally, it did ring and I gave each little one their last tight hug and an extra squeeze. I usually walk my kiddos down to the door but I couldn't do that because of my own tears. As the parents who had gathered at the end of the hall to pick up their own children stared down towards our room watching ALL of these sobbing children come out of my room, all I could do was stand there and hug the last ones. I'm sure the parents were wondering what kind of a MEAN teacher I was to make so many children cry!!!

 

     After the children were gone from my room, Jodi and Lisa (two of my 1st grade teammates) came in. We talked and I cried. I knew I had to pull myself together because I had an IEP ("Individual Education Plan" for all the non-teachers) meeting at 2:45.

 

     And... oh, by the way, have I mentioned how CRABBY I was that on a Friday afternoon, the last day of my teaching career, someone had scheduled an hour long IEP meeting after school!!!

 

 My poor teammates, all 4 of them, plus a few others had heard it repeatedly!  SORRY Lisa, Jodi, Erica, Kristina and Nicole!!!

 

     Just at the point I was feeling like I had pulled myself together enough to go to this meeting, someone walked in and handed me a beautiful scrumptious-looking fruit bouquet. As I read the card, I burst into tears all over again because it was such a sweet thing to do and a totally unexpected surprise! Thanks, ladies!!!!

 

     Again, I tried to pull myself together so I could get to the IEP meeting but Lisa and Jodi were guiding me towards the lounge.  A few seconds earlier, waaaaaay in the back of my consciousness, I had heard clapping in the lounge but I was so self-absorbed trying to pull myself together, that the sound didn't register.

 

As they guided me out of my room to the meeting (or so I thought), they led me to the door of the lounge. Imagine my COMPLETE SHOCK as they opened the door and I realized the entire staff had gathered there. The clapping was for me. (More on why we end each year by gathering in the lounge and doing a clapping ritual in a later post).

 

My team had planned a surprise "end of the year" party for me!!!!!! Of course, you can imagine what I did...yup, MORE tears. I was totally blown away because I had no idea they had planned this.  All four of them said they had to bite their tongue more than once during the week as I whined about my last day IEP meeting!!! (By the way, there really WAS an IEP meeting... I got to skip it though!!!  :-) )

 

     I will never forget the kindnesses shown to me on my last day. It will be a memory that will help me get through the tough times because it was such a kind, sweet act of love given to someone who was undeserving (because of all my whining!!!) and totally unsuspecting!

 

     Because of my caring, supportive, and all around awesome 1st grade teaching team, my dreaded last day turned into a memory I will cherish forever!

The Countdown Continues

     Day 3 flew by because I was at an all day ELA (English Language Arts...for the non-teachers) Committee meeting planning curriculum for next year. It was fun because our group is choosing new books, making a year long plan, and coordinating materials, both old and new.

 

Part of the pleasure of curriculum writing days is the adult company all day long!  Not once did I get asked, "Can I go to the bathroom?" OR "Where's my pencil?"  Being amongst friends felt good! It was also bittersweet because I knew that it would probably be the last time I would be doing this kind of work for a while.

 

     Even though we were busy, I couldn't help thinking about tomorrow, the last day of my teaching career. That thought was always lurking in the back of my mind and cast a shadow on the day.

 

     There were bright spots to my day too. I got a "sunshiny" surprise from a sweet friend (Thanks, Allison!). I also had a surprise visitor, Dianne, from Missouri!  She came to town to watch her grandchildren but was kind enough to stop at school where I was packing things up. Dianne and I taught together at Westside along with another friend, Karen, for many years. We had a wonderful time catching up. I treasure those minutes we spent together reminiscing.

 

     Tomorrow will be a very busy day as I try to wrap up loose ends at school. I know it will be a very emotional day too. I have to tell my 22 kiddos that it will be my last day of teaching. I'm telling them only that I need to have surgery and that I won't be back to teach them any more. I will also tell them that they won't be able to hug me when I come back to visit because my "ribs" will be sore. (I get hugs each night from 21 of the 22 children as they walk out my classroom door and their hugs are BEAR hugs!!!)

 

The letter I'm sending home to the parents tells much more information but I'm allowing the parents to tell the children as much as they feel comfortable telling them. The children will be sad. However, in their next breath, they will be clapping and cheering because I will tell them that Alyssa (my student teacher from this fall) will be their teacher for the rest of the year. 

 

     It will be a hard goodbye...

    

    

First Grade Teachers Can't Count Down...

     Several days ago, I started a countdown to S-Day (Surgery Day) with the intent of writing on this blog each day. Well, life happened and the writing didn't! 

 

     On Day 6, I was busy and it got too late (that means after 3:30am).

 

On Day 5, I had technical difficulties.  I spent 25 minutes TRYING to get on the blog (again, late at night so I couldn't call my technical team...my kids!!!).  After trying unsuccessfully for what seemed like forever, I gave up.

 

So now we're on Day 4 and I'm here to reassure you that 1st grade teachers do indeed know how to count down.

 

     Today's news was that the surgeon's nurse called to say that I am tentatively scheduled to be at the hospital on Monday morning at 6am.  Scheeeesh!!!  I'm thinking it would be easier to just stay up rather than get up at 4:45 to get there by 6!!!  I'm SURE my family will veto that plan however.

 

     Katie and I have spent the last 2 days (after school until 12:30 last night and until 9:00 tonight) going through the quadrillions of books (kids books, professional books, etc.) that populate my classroom. I sent about 6 or 8 boxes of books home with her...don't tell Daniel!!! 

 

I have packed about the same number of boxes that will soon need to come home with me...DON'T TELL Arland!!! 

 

I have even more boxes that I will be giving to Sarah who is a 1st grade teacher but...let's not tell her husband either!

 

     My sub for the weeks that I will be gone from school is Alyssa. She was my student teacher this fall.  She knows all about my class and STILL wants to be there while I am gone!  :-)  We met after school today to visit about the plans for the weeks she will be teaching. I have no doubt things will go well while she is in my room.

 

     I am still disappointed that I have to end the school year but more importantly, my career, by missing the last 6 weeks of school. Depending on a multitude of factors, I may try to teach the last 4 school days in May. At least, I would feel a little closure if I could teach that last short week. After teaching in the same room, same grade, for 22+ years, it's hard to quit "cold turkey". However, time will tell.......

 

     Well, the clock on my computer says 1:28am so it's time to end my ramblings and get some sleep.  Check in tomorrow to see if this countdown continues or if it gets derailed by "life" again!

 

The countdown has begun...

Day 7 and counting...

Today marks the final week before surgery.  As of today, I can no longer take any kind of pain medicine.  That means no ibuprophen, no Tylenol, no nothing.  The two surgeons want all pain meds out of my system before surgery on Monday, April 14th. I rarely take anything anyway for the aches and pains we all have so it won't be a big deal for me not to take them.

I spent about 6 hours at school Sunday evening going through "the closet". Those of you from Westside know about the infamous "closet" and no, Karen and Dianne, it STILL isn't cleaned out!!!  :-) 

 

I do believe that things multiply by themselves when left in a dark school closet...or so it seems!

It's late...2:07am and the alarm will ring in 4 1/2 hours so I will make this post short. Thanks for all the good thoughts and prayers.  They mean so much to me!

Surprise!!

I have been overwhelmed by the outpouring of kindness people have shown me over the last few weeks. Some of the gifts came with thoughtful notes, and some came anonymously.  

 

Here is one of the gifts I received, but I don't know who to thank for this beautiful, cozy blanket. I know I will be using it frequently during my recuperation! It will be a great snuggle blanket! Thanks to whomever sent it for me!  

Happy Times

Here's what keeps me happy... and busy!

Brody (6 1/2)

 Logan (3 1/2)

Olivia (11 months)

I Am Lucky...

Hi Family and Friends,
     As strange as that title may sound, tonight I realized I am LUCKY!!! A friend of mine who is a breast cancer survivor took me to a breast cancer support meeting. As I surveyed the women who had gathered around the tables, I realized my journey is not as bad as it could be.

     I could have been the young lady sitting across the table from me.  She is in her early 30's, was diagnosed 5 months ago, is in the midst of chemo, and has 3 little kids.  Or I could be the gal seated kiddy-corner from me who is also in her early 30's who won the breast cancer battle but is now waging war on the cancer that just recently reappeared in another part of her body.  She has a 3 year old and a 5 year old.  Or I could be the young woman who was only 24 when her breast cancer was diagnosed. Or I could be the sweet lady next to me who, because of breast cancer, cannot have a child that she and her husband desperately want. I realized I should be grateful for being diagnosed at my age instead of in the prime of my life.

     Soooooo...did that stop me from having a 20 minute pity party for myself tonight as I stood in the middle of my classroom that looked like a tornado had hit it as I was trying to box up 22+ years spent in that very classroom? No, my own personal pity party was where I was at for that short time tonight.  Why? Because I hate having to end my teaching career like this. Having poured my heart and soul into being a teacher, mom, nurse, counselor, cheerleader, disciplinarian, encourager, and grandma to so many kiddos over the span of 22 years, ending this way just doesn't feel right. That makes me so sad.

    So what to do about it???  The only way I have figured out to get past the "that just isn't right" feeling is to pass on things that have helped me be a good teacher these past years.  My thinking is that if I share all my books, tapes, CD's, poems, games, plans, posters, and all the other "treasures" I have accumulated over the years, then I will still be a part of some child's life. Granted, I will never know those children but if they can get some delight from one of my silly poems or have the light bulb "click on" as they listen to a book I loved, then I will have the satisfaction of knowing my passion carries on through a number of other teachers.

     And for that, I am grateful...