I Can Breathe Again!

     I really don't think I have breathed for the last 2 1/2 days! I breathed enough to maintain life but not enough to live!

 

In anticipation of my oncology appointment this morning, I spent the last several days reading up on chemo so that I could make the best, most well-informed decisions regarding my plan. I was breathing to keep me going.

 

Tonight, I'm breathing to live!

 

     There is a difference. The last few days were spent in survival mode...reading, learning, and processing. After my appointment this morning, I am breathing to live again!

 

     Dr. Terstriep is my oncologist. She is young, smart, confident, and a "down to business" type person. I like her. I trust her.  A lot. (After all, she does sort of hold my life in her hands...)

 

     At our meeting, she began by explaining why I needed chemo (cancer in one lymph node). Then she laid out the chemo plans and all my fears melted away.

 

 Did you notice I said plans...plural? She gave me a choice of two chemo plans, not just one like I was so worried about. What a relief! I got to make the choice that I thought was best for me!!! Luckily, both plans were the ones I had read about for all those hours.

 

     Cancer plays with numbers. In plan A, you get a 3% higher chance of no recurrence/long term survival but it comes with a high percentage of irreversible heart damage and a less than 10% chance of getting leukemia.

 

Plan B has a 3% lower chance of no recurrence/long term survival, has much lower risks for heart damage, and a less than 1% chance of getting leukemia. There were about 5 other things compared by percentages in the plans but the three above were the most important to me.

 

I chose plan B. It was the one I has hoping for as I researched options. I'm willing to take the 3% lower chance of no reoccurrence gamble.

 

I began to breathe!

 

     Do you remember a VERY old commercial (All of you under 45 will probably not remember!!!) that asked, "How do you spell relief?"  I spell relief "Plan B!"

 

     After the appointment with Dr. Terstriep, I saw Dr. Johnson for the nodule on my lung.  She repeatedly told me how small it was and that she does not believe it is cancer related.

 

After the lung appointment, I had my blood drawn again. Dr. Terstriep said it had been quite a while since I had it done but in my mind it didn't seem that long ago. I'm pretty sure it was only a few weeks. I guess long has become a relative term now. :-)

 

Finally, Arland and I went home. I had a quick bite to eat and drove myself (first time driving since surgery) back for a 12:30 echocardiogram...an ultrasound of my heart.  They need to know that my heart can withstand chemo.  That echo also provides a baseline for comparisons during and after the Herceptin treatments.

 

 Herceptin, the drug to fight my kind of cancer which I will be taking for a year, is known to be very hard on some people's heart so that is why a baseline is needed. I will be getting an echo every three months for a year. It's a very interesting process because as you lie there, you watch and hear your heart pumping on the screen. Pretty cool!

      This evening, the sun came out and I knew what I needed to do. I needed to breathe!

 

I went outside and walked around our block, a 1/2 mile trek. And guess what I did. I just breathed!

 

 For the first time in three days, I heard the birds tweeting.  As I walked, I heard deep, loud thunder rumbling to the west. I saw the fattest, reddest robin battling a worm. I looked and marveled at how fast grass can turn green after a spring rain. I felt the first oversized drops of cold rain hit me as I neared our front door.

 

The peace I doubted I could find last night has been found...and I am once again breathing to live.