On The Prowl...

     I am on the prowl again... looking...  looking...  looking...

 

    What exactly am I looking for?

 

Something I had no intentions of ever having to know or learn about and even less want to know about. I'm on the hunt for knowledge. The knowledge I seek is about chemo.

 

    Why? Two reasons...  First, after the doctor found cancer in one of the five lymph nodes he removed, I now HAVE to have chemo. Before surgery, one of my doctors said yes I had to have it and the other said maybe. I guess I leaned too heavily on the maybe, got my hopes up too high, and believed in my soul that maybe I could get by without it. That thinking came to a screeching halt last Monday morning.

 

Sooooo, now I need to know about chemo.

 

     The second reason I am prowling is because having cancer means having no control over things I took for granted for so long.  Getting up and driving to school, teaching my heart out so my kiddos would do well on the MAP tests next week, emailing parents, etc. All those things that mattered SO much just a short time ago are all things that cancer took away my control of.

 

     Cancer also took away control over my medical decisions and choices. Tests, biopsies, surgery, medications, and other procedures all done because of cancer. I suppose I could have had some control and said no. Saying no would have given me some control but would have ended with BAD results. So, I have resigned myself to giving up control about medical decisions and letting the people who have devoted their lives to medicine make the choices for me.

 

 Yet, I still go to each appointment armed with the knowledge I have searched for before each appointment, procedure, decision...

 

     However, I still need some small, actually miniscule, amount of control over my destiny, so I prowl. If I cannot make the medical decisions, at least I can be knowledgeable about what goes into making those decisions. 

 

     After my initial diagnosis, I read ENDLESSLY, EVERY night for weeks on end about breast cancer. I know my kind of cancer inside and out.

 

Before surgery, I read ENDLESSLY about lumpectomies and mastectomies and then prayed hard and heavy to make the right decision for me.

 

Before my treatments start shortly, I read ENDLESSLY about the drug, Herceptin, that I will have to take for a minimum of 52 weeks.

 

I also know the facts about radiation that will be a part of my treatment plan because of the ENDLESS reading I have done.

 

     So now, it is time for me to learn about chemo drugs. I am quite sure I will have no choice in the drugs I will be given but at least I will know LOTS about each drug so that I can, at the very minimum, be informed about how the drug works, the side effects, it's effectiveness in treating my kind of cancer, etc.

 

Will it make any difference in the end? Probably not, because the doctor who I chose to lead me thorough this impossible maze is the one making those hard decisions. She will tell me what I need, what will work best for me, and which drugs will give me the best shot at what I want most...I want to live.

 

     I want to spend more time with Arland. I want to see my kids grow old. I want to be a part of Brody, Logan, and Olivia's lives as they grow up. I want to laugh with my friends. I want to do some good for someone by volunteering my time. I want to catch more fish. I want to read a multitude of great books. I want to make baby blankets. I want to go on a cruise. I want to spend time with old friends and new ones too. I want to wake up at the lake on more days than just June, July, and August. I want to travel to see long time friends. I want to work crossword puzzles. I want to clean my house (not really but I just thought I SHOULD get that one in there!). I want to be able to not think about cancer every day. I want to travel with friends. I want to cook good meals and enjoy some great wines. I want to try to repay all the kindnesses that have been given to me during this unplanned journey. I want to bake cookies. I want to pick apples off our back yard apple tree with my grandkids just like my parents did with our kids. I want to eat out with friends. I want to cuddle babies. I want to be a better person. I want to have more Christmas parties. I want to play cards with family and friends. I want to plant flowers. I want to splash in puddles at the lake with my grandkids. I want to be cancer-free. I WANT LIFE!!!

 

     So, prowl I will. 

 

I need that tiny amount of control from the knowledge that I gain by being informed about the many medical procedures I have yet to face.

 

     And now it's time for me to prowl...