I Am Thankful!

     Thanksgiving is synonymous with counting our blessings and our graces from God. Looking back over the past nine months, (yes, it's been nine months since this venture began) there are many things I am thankful for this Thanksgiving.

 

     Breast cancer, or any chronic health condition for that matter, is tough! It can scare you, make you feel frustrated, resentful, and just plain crabby. If you’re dealing with an illness, your life may have been totally torn apart by the physical toll of treatment, the emotional trauma of fear and anger, and all the disruptions that cancer or other illnesses bring to life.

Not much to be thankful for???? Well, step back. Away from the ravages of chemo, the pain of surgery, the trials of radiation, the unpleasant medications, the angst that awakes you at 2 a.m. Take a broader view. You’ll discover that despite everything, there are still soooo many things to be grateful for. Here are just a few:

1. I’m thankful to simply be alive and to be here. It really does change things a lot when you wake up each morning and are truly thankful for another day to live, to love, to laugh, and to enjoy your life, your family, your friends and all the things that are important to you. So long as members of my family and I all have our health, every day is a good day. Can you see me smiling? It’s because I’m here, I’m breathing, and I’m enjoying another day. Nothing else really matters! Every day I open my eyes and am grateful for life. I didn’t do that as much as I should have before. I took a lot for granted.  Now I don’t.

2. I'm thankful for my family. I’m thankful for my husband who has shared the last 40+ years of my life. He takes such good care of all of our family, especially me! He has pulled me through the dark times and I couldn’t imagine life without him. Thanks, Hon!

     I am also thankful for our children. Our three kids are the best! From sitting with me through every second of chemo, to calling to just say "Hi!" and ask how I'm feeling, to bringing Brody, Logan, and Olivia over to cheer up my day, to driving me home when I was too weak, tired, or nauseated to do it myself, to uploading my pictures for this blog, to making me a chemo bag and a radiation bag! I am so grateful to them! Thanks Kristi, Bob and Katie and Jeremy, Cindy, and Daniel too. Your support means the world to me!!!

     Do you know what I prayed for during chemo infusions?  I prayed that I would live to become an old woman (maybe I should say an "even older" woman) so that I could see my grandchildren and even great-grandchildren grow up. I wear this prayer of "aging" with great pride. It's a sign of survival, of resilience, and that I'm still on my way to my ultimate goal in life.

3. I’m thankful for all of my wonderful friends. Through my friends, I have known the power of friendships that uplift, nurture, heal, calm, provide guidance, comfort, inspire, help me smile, make me laugh, show me a good time, help me forget for awhile, and so many other wonderful things. Whatever I’ve needed as far as people power in these past few months, God has provided in the form of friends. My friends have been there for me through the most challenging of times.  I am forever grateful and appreciative of all of these wonderful friendships. THANK YOU!

     My family and friends are amazing in how their love shines through. Their love flowed around me and surrounded me. People have soooo many ways of expressing love. Some actually say it: “I love you.”  Some friends brought homemade knefla soup, some sent fruit bouquets (I very much appreciated those because it was about the only thing I could eat at that time), some came to visit, some mailed a card every other day for at least three months in a row! Words escape me to describe the outpouring of love and friendship I have had. 

     Sometimes it’s tremendously difficult to open our hearts and let others see inside. I have come to understand more fully that my life matters and makes a difference to those around me.  Somehow I always hoped that was true, but now I know for sure! My family and friends have rallied around me and have gotten me through this challenging venture. Thank you dear family and friends!

4. I’m thankful to have had a cancer mentor. After we told family and close friends about my BC, I visited with a friend and former teaching partner who had BC several years before me and is doing wonderfully well now. Having someone by your side every step of the way who’s been there and done that, and “just knows” and understands all of the challenges that you’re facing both physically and mentally, made all the difference in the world for me! I will be forever grateful for this person’s presence in my venture. Thanks, Shawn!

5. I’m thankful to live in a place where we have access to skilled doctors and the best cancer care. I’m thankful to be living in a time where there are cures for cancer. Cancer treatments are so effective these days that they’re now concentrating on how to minimize side-effects. I have a few side effects that are permanent, but they don’t matter...I deal with and manage them. What matters is that I’m here. In another time I probably wouldn’t be. What a blessing to live in this time. The medical profession is full of compassionate, amazing and incredible people.  The passion and care I have had from my oncologists, chemo nurses, nurse practitioners, surgeon, radiology technicians, office staff, and others has overwhelmed me. I very much appreciate their dedication! Thanks Dr. Terstriep, Dr. Foster, Dr. Bouton, and all the others who have cared for me!

6. I’m thankful for my new perspective on life. There are a lot of terrible things about cancer, but there are good things too. I am really appreciative of my new perspective on life. There’s nothing I take for granted anymore. I know just how lucky and blessed I am. Everything changes. You see things differently, in a whole new light. I’m thankful that I’m here and that I’m alive to be writing this. I would never wish anyone to go through what I have, but I do appreciate and am thankful for this new perspective on life.

7. I am thankful for God's blessing and His gifts to me. I'm thankful for the ability to look deeply within. Cancer pushes you far beyond your limits. It forces you to really know yourself and to truly understand what your needs are both at the core of your person, and as the person you’ll evolve into in your life after cancer. Cancer forces you to become physically and mentally stronger than I ever thought I'd be able to become. You definitely learn to toughen up through medical tests and procedures. Now, someone will be explaining some test I have to have done and it is like “Well, let's get it done!”

     I am thankful for another gift also; that of discovering the fragility of life.  This has been a great gift because it makes me value even more everything I believed in from family, friends, God and how I live and have lived my life.  Losing your hair, your eyebrows, your eyelashes, your modesty, part of your breast, and control of your own life makes you dig really deeply as a woman.  That part of BC is one of the hardest things I went through. Our culture is very superficial about beauty and women.  Beauty definitely does come from the inside.  Breast cancer allows that inner beauty to shine forth. However, once you start to recover you discover you have an amazing gift to see beauty in a completely new way.

  8. I’m thankful for the gift of expression. Whether through talking to family and friends or writing on my blog, I’m thankful to be able to express what I have learned and what I have felt. Maybe that ability has been there all the time, or perhaps my cancer experience forced me to develop it further. Either way, being able to share this venture with you is yet another thing I am thankful for.

     I’m also thankful for another gift of expression; the Internet, its community, and its way of connecting all of us together. The support I’ve been blessed with from this vibrant and passionate community has been irreplaceable. I never cease to be amazed, uplifted, and inspired by all of the wonderful people within this community. I’m proud that I’m able to give back to this great community from which I’ve benefitted so much, by helping educate people about BC. If you are just starting BC treatments or even in the midst of it, be encouraged.  It does get better! You will smile again and you will feel hopeful! Here’s a mantra that has helped many women: “Cancer is a rock in the path. Step over it...the path will still be there.”  You’ll find hands reaching out to help you, all along the way. And for that, we can all be truly thankful.

     Understanding what I had been through, along with my self-assessment of God-given gifts and blessings, I came to the realization that God not only gave me all of the tools I needed to heal from this experience, but also the ability to express what I had learned to help heal and educate others. It has helped me understand perhaps a bit more about why I’m here, and has given me another purpose and mission in life. My Golden Thread has been to take what’s been such a challenging experience and to turn it around into something positive. That is one of the things I’m most thankful for.

 

     Have a happy, blessed, and thankful Thanksgiving with family and friends 

 

                                  

I'm Done...Sort Of!

     I'm done! I have officially finished my radiation!

     It is nice to be done with one more major step in this venture. It feels strange to not go to the RMCC each morning though, as I have done Monday through Friday during these last 6 1/2 weeks.

     What's the "sort of" part then? I will still be having my Herceptin infusion treatments every three weeks until next summer. Herceptin is the targeted drug infused through my port. Usually, Herceptin is pretty easy. This last time however, I spent a LOT of time in the bathroom (sorry if that's toooo much info!) and my nose ran for four days straight! But it's doable, very doable. After chemo, radiation and Herceptin feel like a walk in the park!

     I had amazing care during radiation. My team of radiation technologists was fun but yet very professional. We laughed, shared stories, and got to know each other a bit. Every Monday I met with Dr. Foster, my oncology radiologist, and his team of nurses. They evaluated my skin and checked the radiated area each week. I felt like they were really on top of things and were taking excellent care of me. At my final appointment, Dr. Foster was impressed with how quickly my skin was healing and how good the radiated area looked. It must be those awesome prenatal vitamins!  Hahaha!

 

These are two of the technicians, Kayla and Deb, that ran the huge radiation machine shown behind them. The big screen above their heads folded down and was the part that took x-rays every Thursday. The x-rays ensured that the technicians were lining up the machine (big, round machine on the left and behind them) precisely where I needed the radiation. Every radiation session had to be exact, to the very millimeter.

 

 

The radiation machine turned about 180 degrees around me when I was lying on that narrow plastic table. I laid on my back with my head right below the black pegs. My right hand grasped the peg closest to my head. My other hand was tucked under my body. The part that extends downwards (by her right shoulder) was the part that was placed very close to my breast when the radiation was delivered. The lens on the part close to my body was specifically made for me. For the last five treatments, it directed the radiation beams onto my body in a special shape because of the way they shaped the lens. The last five treatments were called "boosts" and were directed to the exact spot where my cancer was located before surgery. They were used to kill off any nasty cancer cells that may have lived through chemo and the wider spread radiation.

 

 

The first 28 radiation treatments did not use the special lens. The radiation beams were spread down the middle of my chest to the middle of my side and under my arm.

 

 

 

     In a response to my last post, someone mentioned strength. I found a quote in a book a friend gave to me at the beginning of this venture. It sums up what every person facing a cancer diagnosis must do: Look Fear In The Face!

   

 

     The golden thread in this venture has been doing what I and millions of others have done...looked fear in the face and decided that neither fear nor cancer will win this battle!

 

 

Cancer Does Not Discriminate

     I have to admit, like so many women, I always knew there was a one in eight chance. But like so many women, I never thought it would be me. When I was with a group of women, I was always number five or six...I was never number eight. I never thought I'd hear those devastating, life changing words: "You have breast cancer". Having breast cancer gave me membership in an elite club I'd rather not have had to belong to.

     In a sense, having cancer takes you by the shoulders and shakes you. Cancer puts things into perspective. 

    For years, I heeded the warning: Do monthly breast self-exams. Like most women, I did them on a 'sort of' basis. Every few months I'd sort of do a quick check, but never as thoroughly as the doctors urged. I didn't want to go looking for trouble. If you look for it, you might find it. Looking for cancer is unsettling. Ironically, my cancer never formed a lump. It was just an "area" that had cancer and it could not be felt. That's why mammograms are so important. A mammogram saved my life!

    When a doctor diagnoses you and the word 'cancer' comes out of his mouth, it changes your life. It's changed my life. Cancer has allowed me to be a lot more open. Open to change, open to trusting medical personnel with important medical decisions, open to new physical challenges, open to slowing down (not willingly, mind you!!!), and open to receiving help.

 

     One of the things I've always tried to do is help others. Now, by telling my story in such an open, public way, I am hoping to help someone else in a very small way. I'd like to turn a negative into a positive and if I can help others by sharing my story, then it's worth it! I'm holding onto the hope that by telling my story, I might be helping someone else through this scary experience.

     People used to say everyone knows someone who's had breast cancer. In the past few months, I've learned something else: Everyone has someone close to them, family or friend, who has had breast cancer. You hear about people your whole life, "So-and-so has cancer," and you think, "Wow, that's too bad," and then most people tend to go on about their business. But when someone tells you somebody in your family or a close friend has breast cancer, that doesn't tend to go away so quickly and easily. When a person has breast cancer, the whole family suffers with her, as do her friends. My family and friends have been my lifeline throughout this venture, helping me remain positive and upbeat. My family and friends have been my Golden Thread and I thank you for that!

     Healing is hard work, as is any change one must make in one's life. When I went public with my breast cancer diagnosis eight months ago, the overwhelming outpouring of love, prayers and support helped me heal faster, both physically and emotionally. Thank you for being part of my healing process.

     I never thought of having cancer as something that was unfair. I just braced myself and tried to get through it. I took on cancer like I take on everything else...like a mission, a job to accomplish. Beating cancer is a personal battle, a personal mission. It is one of the toughest opponents I have ever faced and I think I have done reasonably well, so far.

     I am healing...