I have a cavernous pit in the bottom of my stomach tonight. My throat is tight. I feel as if I am being lead to the executioner.
Fear of the unknown will make you feel that way.
Tomorrow...
Tomorrow I meet with my oncologist to learn of the plan for the next year and a half of my life.
Tomorrow I will find out my chemo plan.
Tomorrow my "new normal" will change...again.
Tomorrow gives me uneasiness, fear, and sadness.
Tomorrow I am faced with the harsh realities of cancer once again.
Tomorrow I face the unknown once more.
As much as I want to "get this show on the road", I am realizing that it is a very scary process and elicits a whole new set of emotions. I have spent the last two days reading as much as I could about different chemo regimens, side effects, benefits of one kind of regimen over the other, long term prognosis's of each regimen, etc.
I have prepared a list of 29 questions for my oncologist. Sounds like overkill but I need all the questions answered so I can feel some control, confidence, peace (if that's possible...and right now as my stomach churns I am doubting that it is), and direction for my life for the next year and a half.
I'm mourning the summer that I'm losing. I feel like my summer is being robbed from me. I'm also mourning the loss of the plans Arland and I had made for this summer since we are both going to be newly retired.
I know there will be times that I will feel ok after chemo has started, but I also know that the chemo will make me feel rotten and crummy.
Our whole summer is usually spent entertaining family and friends each weekend at the lake which Arland and I thoroughly enjoy! If I'm feeling awful, all that will be impossible. Our summers in this part of the world are so short and precious that I feel cheated. Maybe if I have chemo early in the week, some of the weekends can be salvaged. Maybe???
Tomorrow...
With the morning's light will come new thoughts and new strength so I'm going to try to save tomorrow's troubles for tomorrow.
No comments:
Post a Comment