Memories

    
 

Today was a tough day. I had a mammogram.

It was the first one since those devastating words, "You have breast cancer" were spoken at the last one.

All the memories of my last mammogram, when I found out I had breast cancer, flooded over me like a dark, swirling force. That was the day my world changed.

 

Even though this mammogram was at a different hospital, the flashbacks were hard and heavy...

 

The events of the last 13 months played over in my mind...

The first and second mammogram...The nurses saying, "Don't worry, second mammograms happen all the time. Everything will probably turn out just fine.".

 

The radiologist pointing out areas in the films of an "abnormality", then later the doctor saying that it is definitely cancer.

 

Getting continuous phone calls from the doctors as I tried to teach my little ones, each call bearing more bad news.

 

The absolute raw fear I felt as I met with my oncologist, surgeon, and radiology oncologist for the first time, waiting for the "course of action" plan.

 

Trying to make the choice between a lumpectomy or a mastectomy with the information the doctors had given me and with what I had read online.

 

 Trying to be brave on surgery day.

 

Being upgraded (or maybe I should say downgraded) from Stage 1 to Stage 2, after surgery because they found cancer in a lymph node.

 

Trying to be brave the day they put in my port.
 

 

The six grueling months of chemo, steroids, Neulasta shots, mouth sores, lost toenails, diarrhea, ER visits, low blood counts, no appetite nor energy, and meds and more meds.

Having to shave my head after chemo began.

 

The 33 radiation sessions (which I probably shouldn't even list because for me it was truly a cakewalk compared to chemo).

All these memories bombarded my brain. I felt like I had no control over the continuous replay in my brain.

And so now I wait...

I have an appointment with Dr. Bouton, my surgeon, on Wednesday to find out what this latest mammogram has revealed. I'm sure everything will be fine but after you have cancer, you always have a little nagging voice in the back of your brain that whispers unwanted thoughts.


I did have two events today that helped me not think about the "what ifs". This morning, I spent time at school helping Brody's (our grandson) class make their Mother's Day gifts. There's nothing like 23 first graders to take your mind off things! Thanks, Jodi (Mrs. Helander, to the first graders!) for helping me get through the morning.

This evening, Arland had his Exchange Club's "Fun Night". I helped take tickets at the door so I got to see and visit with lots of teachers, friends, and many acquaintances. That also helped keep my mind busy. So many kind people asked how I was doing and expressed their continued thoughts and prayers, which I genuinely appreciate.

In between the two events, there were some tears shed because of the stress of the day. I don't cry often but it was hard to contain the overabundance of emotions today. It's a day every breast cancer survivor has to face and just get through!

So until Wednesday comes, I'll just have to wait and have faith......